Grimes’ Supposed Wellness Routine is Completely Bonkers

As you may have heard, the Canadian ethereal dark pixie Grimes is the new face of Stella McCartney’s Adidas collection. In the campaign, the 31-year-old musician can be seen scampering over volcanic rocks in workout gear looking like a cross between a yoga influencer and Gollum on his search for the one true ring. It’s all pretty much par for the course, that is, until you read the caption Grimes wrote for her Instagram post promoting the collection.

In the post, Grimes details an alleged wellness/fitness routine that is so truly unhinged it deserves to be dissected in further detail. Supposedly, Grimes maintains a “healthy cellular routine” which involves taking supplements to “maximize the function of [her] mitochondria” and spends multiple hours in a sensory deprivation tank so she can “‘astro-glide’ to other dimensions.” If that wasn’t enough, her preferred form of exercise is sword fighting and after a series of stretches, she engages in a 20 to 25 minute “screaming session” to open up her vocal chords. Perhaps the most deranged aspect of all of this is the “experimental surgery” she allegedly had done to eliminate all of the “blue light” from her field of vision.

I’m sorry…what did I just read? Have Grimes’ inherent anime kid tendencies been grossly exacerbated thanks to her proximity to human vampire Elon Musk? Or is it all some sort of elaborate joke? After all, she did hashtag her wellness routine “#gentrifymordor,” which suggests she’s at least somewhat aware of the comedic value of this post.

I’m inclined to think that Grimes knows this is ridiculous and is laughing in a hyperbaric chamber somewhere as one of her multiple assistants cashes that Adidas cheque. But considering she wore a corset and platform goth boots to last year’s Met Gala for her first-ever public appearance with Elon Musk (were we ever so young?) it’s hard to be sure.

Please send any and all hot Grimes-related tips to islone@fashionmagazine.com.

P.S. Ask me about the time I tried to sneak into a Grimes concert using the alias Robyn Christmas. Actually, don’t.