True Blood Recap: We take wardrobe cues from what the hot boys (ahem, Skarsgard!) are wearing

Sookie confessed to Alcide about killing Debbie, Tara was frying herself to death, Bill and Eric had trust sex with Salome and Pam flashed back to a 1905 night of lovemaking and wrist-slashing with Eric. This week, there are no flashbacks (would’ve liked to see the fall out from Pam’s change), sex (boo!) or much bloodsucking, but there are friendship necklaces, a Lohan-level car crash and a drunken make-out (yes!)—it all evens out.

Stuntin’ Like My Daddy
– Sookie screeches a plaintive sorry as Alcide screeches out in his truck; Lafayette spazzes at her for spilling the murder beans even though she didn’t mention him, and calls her the “angel of death” for all the death fall out her actions cause.
– Sookie barges in on Jason and confesses to killing Debbie Pelt; he tells her to keep quiet and lay low, there’s no way he’s putting his sister behind bars.
– Jason is way more upset at Sookie for turning Tara into a vampire and as he gives her a major you-done-wrong lecture Jessica pops up to weigh in on what’s going on (and as promised, she’s in sweats for their slumber party).
– At work, hearing everyone at Merlotte’s brains calling her an awful person makes Sookie freak out and hide in Sam’s lodge office.
– Lafayette has clearly not cooled on his anger at Sooks. His shirt has “Eternity” bedazzled on it, and he’s clearly thinking of doing something eternal. He goes all brujo on her cute little yellow Honda and turns it into an evil Herbie the Love Bug.
– Sookie narrowly does the stunt roll out of her car before it crashes into a pole on its own evil accord—Lindsay Lohan is clearly going to use this story the next time (and we’re certain there’ll be one) she crashes her Porsche.

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Everybody Fang Chung Tonight
– Pam pulls a well-sizzled Tara out of the tanning bed and commands her to never do that again. In her purple corset, PVC skirt and gloves, it feels more dominatrix than maternal. Is there a vamp suicide hotline? Because we don’t think Tara will get much counselling from Pam.
– Pam takes Tara back to Fangtasia and is delighted to find Eric there (Bill, not so much) and tries to pretend their falling out over Sookie never happened.
– Bill attempts a pep talk with Tara but of course it turns into a talk about Sookie—Bill wants to know if she’s safe and Tara tells him to forget about scratching that itch, it’ll just bleed.
– Eric tries to throttle the truth out of Pam—did she free Russell? No. His suspicion makes her majorly sad. She demands he release her from their maker bond since he thinks so little of her.
– Eric reports to Bill that Pam doesn’t know anything. Uh, does Eric’s suit have a leather lapel or is it just the kind of shiny satin we want to rub our faces against as we snuggle into his chest?
– Bill and Eric lay some suspicion on each other before concluding there must be a leak somewhere. Something tells us these guys aren’t done with suspecting each other, though.

Eric’s guide to dressing like a detective
We like that Eric put on a tux jacket to get to the bottom of this Russell thing. Very Bond. The jury’s out on whether the lapel is leather or satin, but we’d like to think it’s the same fabrics as his sheets. This Lanvin wool suit ($2,165, has just the same wide lapel that’s perfect for swooning interrogees.

Road Trips and Cheese Plates
– As he and Patrick drive through the country, Terry flashes back to wartime where their unit partied in some church, did some drugs and got wasted on bourbon.
– One of the soldiers shoots a civilian and the whole thing turns into one of those video games your creepy cousin plays way too much. Terry’s unit and some hostiles get into a shoot out and a bunch of locals end up dead. This makes Terry very unhappy and we listen to some vague Middle Eastern wailing music.
– Having arrived at their destination, Terry and Sergeant Pat search “the property” for their missing comrade. In a bunker they discover some serial killer–level crazy drawings of fire and you hear more Middle Eastern lady-wailing again.
– Crazy guy pulls a gun on them—it’s the soldier that first started the gunfire with the civilians. If he was ever on meds, he looks to be off them now.
– Back at Merlotte’s: Sam’s fellow shifters show up to see where he’s been and it’s clearly not at work making the menu better as he tells them how bad the food is at Merlotte’s (luckily Lafayette did not here that comment), which seems not so good for business.
– After work he heads over to their place to do some shifter running sans Luna. Unfortunately both his friends are shot before they get too far into their cheese plate. (Judging by the cheese plate, maybe that’s why he dissuaded them from eating at his place—they’re classy.) Sam doesn’t eat their grapes but does gape dramatically at their gun wounds.

Patrick’s guide to ex-marine fashion choices
Obviously Patrick is a proud veteran, and the show needs to constantly remind us of this, so he needs something to signal his Sergeant days. Thankfully it’s not tank tops and dog tags, but a fairly laid back–looking military jacket like this Old Navy ($31, steal.

Duck, Duck, Cooked Goose
– Post-sex Salome and Roman watch Nora get tortured on a laptop and speculate there are more heretics in their midst. Salome has her gown from her Bill date back on—nice to know she recycles date outfits.
– The council talks about uprisings on four of the seven continents and the threat of Russell to vampire rights bills. For him being such a big deal, they sure sit around. Shouldn’t they be deploying an army to get him found? Why just trust Bill and Eric?
– Salome and Roman pay a visit to Nora to find out who else on the council may be down with the Sanguinistas. Nora just wants to die. Roman calls her bluff and shows her he’s going to kill B&E and Salome swears on the blood of Lilith that they’ll be spared if she gives them a name. How great are Nora and Salome’s matching necklaces? We wonder if they’re Egyptian for best friends forever.
– Roman has his fancy stake out again and the council looks on as he ponders who else has betrayed him when in come the guards with some evidence of treachery. Don’t hate the traitor, hate the game, Roman.
– Chancellor Drew seems to have some Sanguinista snuff porn on his computer. If he’d seen Shameless, he’d know porn on a computer can cause issues at work.
– The video is a call to action a.k.a. to an uprising so Roman stakes the little brat (R.I.P.) and gives out a creepy ultimatum to everyone on the council.

Salome’s guide to work wear that goes from torture room to boardroom
Her knee length blue dress is sexy professional, though Salome’s cleavage is strictly for ladies who are sleeping with the boss. For those who skip the torture room and just have the boardroom to contend with, there’s this equally electric blue Black Halo dress ($345, with more apropos cleavage.

Time To Just Let Go
– Eric and Pam have an “I’ve slept on it” talk about their problems and still decide to break up. Eric’s certain he’ll die either by way of Russell or the Authority, and Pam offers to help him, but he doesn’t want her there at his end.
– She accepts his “it’s not you, it’s me” and lets him release her from his maker control. Unfortunately, no Wilson Phillips music plays.
– Jessica and Bill search his office for bugs to see how someone may have known about Russell, Jessica is worried he’s no longer the King. He assures her he is. Is he?
– Bill finds a roach and chastises Jessica for having friends with cheap weed. He’s so Cool Dad.
– Jessica asks Bill to go look in on Sookie, cause she’s like, falling apart. He gives Jessica some “I’m so proud of you” eyes before taking off.
– Pam’s post–break up task is getting her own progeny’s act together: she makes Tara feed on sweet little Melanie as she coaches her and sells her on vampire life—no one will mess with her again.

Eric’s guide to break up jackets
Remember how Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years was always wearing that baseball jacket and hurting poor Winnie’s feelings and making her cry? Well, Eric breaks up with Pam in a similarly varsity-looking jacket (but in de rigueur vamp black). Should you be looking for a similarly perfect break up jacket, we suggest Eleven Paris ($453, Just don’t let your girl cry blood all over it.

Alcide Rounds First
– Alcide shows up at the Pelt’s Motel 6 lodgings and makes up a story about Debbie’s death, pinning it on Marcus Bozeman (with a last name like that!).
– Mrs. Pelt guilt trips Alcide about not protecting Debbie despite loving her so hard at 16. Mr. Pelt has major rage and cries into Mrs. Pelt’s breasts, but they seem to have bought it.
– A post–car demon Sookie makes it home and goes straight for the booze cabinet, which is jammed like she’s been pilfering Merlotte’s stock.
– Sookie is singing along to Rupert Holmes’ “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” about making love at midnight in a cemetery. (We’ll be singing this at karaoke next time in her honour.)
– Lafayette discovers her car and calls to be sure she’s okay. When she describes the car doing its own thing, he freaks out, realizing his brujo personality is responsible. She tells him not to worry about her because she’s blissfully boozed up.
– Alcide’s at the door and telling Sookie: “you smell like mint and peaches.” (Someone likes the Schnapps.) How cute is a sauced Sookie?
– Sookie is grateful Alcide lied to the Pelt’s for her and mixes him a drink to say thanks: Triple Sec, Amaretto and Bailey’s. She’s wasted and giggly and teases him about being in love with her so of course this leads to a trip to Makeout City!
– Bill’s watching outside, and Eric joins him and doesn’t seem too plussed by Sookie’s getting it on with Alcide. (Side note: Sookie needs a serious curtain upgrade.) Bill thinks they should make her help them find Russell. Sounds like a pretty vindictive, jealous ex thing to do, so we guess Bill hasn’t changed.

Sookie’s guide to a make-out bandit look
Jeans, a cardigan and a flowery top are girl-next-door kryptonite for blue-collar guys like Alcide. We’d happily let our fave were take off this Talula tank ($40, if we were making out with him.

Moulin Refuge
– The Pelts call Andy and say they’re going home, but Andy tells Jason they still need to investigate. Luckily, Jessica comes in and wipes the Pelt case out of Andy’s brain as Jason looks dumbly on. Sookie’s problem is solved.
– The judge takes Andy and Jason into a stretch limo with some ladies in tiny dresses (probably from Tracy’s Togs) who blindfold them.
– The ladies (term used loosely) take the guys through the grassy field porthole that the Orlando Bloom look-alike disappeared into last ep. It takes them to a den of sexiness that’s Boardwalk Empire crossed with the Pussycat Dolls. We half expect to see Paz de la Huerta jumping out of a cake.
– A lingerie-clad gal that looks like George Clooney’s current piece takes Jason away, while Andy runs into the faerie he got it on with last season. Makeouts ensue. (Holly seems pretty smart, we could totally see her busting Andy by smelling the faerie magic all over him.)
– Hadley, Sook and Jason’s cousin who used to be the consort of the late Queen of Louisiana, spots Jason and insists Jason and Sookie come refugee with her at the burlesque safe house. (Nothing makes someone feel safe like nipple tassels.)
– Hadley lets it slip that vampires killed Jason and Sookie’s parents. But before Jason can interrogate her using his terrible sheriffing skills, Hadley realizes she overspoke and runs away.
– Jason gets tossed out with Andy for making a ruckus, and faerie bouncers zap them. Not sure if this is for some Men In Black–type memory erasing or maybe something more painful, like a zap to the family jewels?

Jessica’s guide to memory-erasing eveningwear
Jason’s talk with Jessica about her putting away her tatas worked; she’s pretty covered up in this week’s outfit. While purple looks lovely on her, we wish she wouldn’t dress so old. We think this Forever 21 peplum top ($24, is how she should be doing lace.

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.

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