True Blood Recap: We manage to find a few stellar wardrobe suggestions (McQueen anyone?) through the blood and guts of last night’s episode

Last week, our mystery teams found: Russell Edgington at the old asylum (Sookie, Alcide, Eric and Bill), and crazy, fire-obsessed Brian Ellar (Terry, Patrick). Sam and Luna got shot by the same crew (presumably) who shot their shifter buddies; a faery-hungover Jason dream-united with his parents and his pjs; Jessica offered to be Tara’s big vampire sister; and Lala couldn’t shake the brujo so he called on Jesus to help him and got a vision of his dead ex’s severed head in return. This week, it really felt like our characters divided into teams (or solo) to go on their own adventures, so it will be interesting to see how, in the second half of the season, they all start coming together again.

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Glamour Shots
– Alcide gets dragged away by wolves who pop out of morgue drawers and start attacking everyone as Russell goes in for the restorative powers of Sookie blood.
– She zaps him away and Eric gets Russell underneath his stake until Bill stops him: better to have a prisoner to bargain with, says boring Bill.
– As Eric growls it over, The Authority pop in and take over, dragging Russell off as he spouts off about how dumb all the Lilith talk is (which makes rebel Eric smile).
– Eric and Bill say Alcide and Sookie are just bystanders they’ll glamour so The Authority will leave them alone.
– Eric does that thing moms do when they lick their thumb and rub something off your face to Alcide, but with his healing fang juice. He takes the glamouring opportunity to convince Alcide to never want to stick his tongue in Sookie’s mouth again. All we can think as Eric cradles Alcide’s face is: “kiss!”
– Bill does not glamour Sookie but loads his fake glamour speech with all kinds of subtext about how she should live in the light again. It’s like, here, remember this awful night and also get really depressed. Thanks Bill!

Hoyt and Bothered
– Tara uses her old cage match moves to beat Jessica up for interrupting her neck sesh with Hoyt.
– Pam breaks it up from her post on the Fangtasia throne and tells Tara she made her proud in the fight, and she’s like man’s best friend. Tara takes the abuse because of that maker bond, but we feel bad she is in another bad relationship. These two are both bi, why aren’t they out picking up ladies at lesbian bars together?
– Jessica seems really sad about her friendship with Tara already being over. Hoyt comes over to discuss how Jessica must still care about him, but she thankfully tells him how bad his look is and how pathetic he sounds wanting her to deprave him.
– Hoyt is letting some creep (ugly creepy not sexy creepy) suck his neck in an alley like he has a death wish when a van of disguised (Obama masks?) assailants shoot the vamp and take Hoyt into their protective redneck custody.

Pam’s guide to power shoulders
We’re conflicted, because we’d really like to discuss Hoyt’s purple vest look once again, and how we want to take this purple Kill City denim jacket ($80, and rip off the sleeves and give it to some hunk to wear Hoyt-style. However, Pam’s puff sleeves symbolize her new stature as head of Fangtasia Inc. and thus carry much more fashion weight (or should we say hot air), so we had to go looking for something similar. Pam’s dress is actually ’80s North Beach Leather (we found a similarly fantastic look on eBay), but in search of sleeves this Alexander McQueen leather dress ($4,872, made us feel how a human feels about an amazing dress they really want.

Leader of the Pack
– Alcide wakes up in Sookie’s bed; cue the awkward morning-after hook up convo. Sookie isn’t all, ‘Thanks for spooning.’ She’s too sad about needing a normal life.
– Alcide flashes back to their hot and heavy second base, but she fills him in on them not having sex, and when she goes to hold his hand he pulls away like she’s got cooties.
– Sookie curses Eric (she knows his tricks) and gives Alcide back his memories of the night before, and we’re assuming his major crush on her. Alcide swears a lot about J.D. and his ex-wolf pack helping vamps and at Bill and Eric for keeping Russell alive.
– Alcide heads to the pack hangout, which is a barn with hay bails and some beer drinking—it’s just like your first boy-girl party!
-Alcide shouts at J.D. about sucking down V and claims the role of head packmaster for himself, challenging J.D. for the gig.
– He needs a second in order to challenge, and luckily the hottest chick in the pack volunteers to stand next to him. Hot people against uggos, just the way all fights should go down!

Alcide’s guide to packmaster fashion
You want to look tough and maybe a little flashy to impress. It looks like J.D.’s idea of fashion is patriotic motorcycle tees, so all Alcide has to do is wear a buttery leather jacket, like this one from Dsquared ($2,425,, and his signature tight jeans (seriously, how do they sculpt to his butt so perfectly?) to the stand off.

Where There’s Smoke
– Terry and Patrick have to escape the fire monster that just got Brian, so Terry only has a second to scream-cry before they’re off and running.
– Because Terry didn’t get enough of an opportunity to run and scream back at Brian’s, once they’re on the road he makes Patrick stop the truck so he can do it some more. The whole scene reminds us a bit of Brokeback Mountain, as Patrick tries to calm Terry down in a hug-hold surrounded by mountains. Except instead of quitting each other, Patrick says they must stick together against the smoke monster. (Come to think of it Pat and Terry are fabulously ambiguous names.)
– Holly, Arlene and Sookie commiserate about how awful and troublesome men are during their shift at Merlotte’s, when Terry shows up right on cue to talk to Arlene by the pool table instead of their special spot by the dumpsters (must be serious).
– Arlene is wearing a much more somber fanny pack, so we hope she’s prepared for the emotional upheaval of his telling her he shot innocent people in Iraq and is now being chased by the smoke monster that burned down their house. Usual husband drams!
– We’d immediately assume Terry is cheating on us with Patrick and this is an elaborate scheme to spend more time together, but she thinks he’s off his meds.
– He keeps up with the claim that if he stays she and the kids will die, so she lets him go and he runs off crying. Uh, we’d be calling Andy to take him to the loony bin, but sure, let him go off into the night crying about monsters and curses.

Shot of Love
– Luna and Sam are charged through the hospital screaming and losing blood as paramedics do what they always do on TV, which is practically ride on top of them on the gurneys.
– Emma runs to dear Grandma Martha’s for help. Stray puppy at my doorstep, cute!
– Sam acts like an abusive husband and screams at the nurse about not leaving Luna’s side. The nurse gets further abuse when Martha shows up with a safe Emma. No fun being a nurse in Bon Temps.
– Martha and Luna agree Emma will stay with grandma while she heals and until the shifter killers are caught.
– Sam tells Andy about the hate crime; Sam wants to help track the killers despite not having the “proper investigative training,” according to Andy.
– Andy heads to that same military surplus store where Sookie bought the bum silver spray to ask about people wanting to hurt vamps and other supes. Meanwhile, Sam comes in and starts looking around. This distracts the weirdo working there who is talking to Andy, and ponytail and inbred lisp guy reaches for a gun to start shooting. Luckily, Sam gets him with the crossbow.
– Lafayette shows up in a panic at his mom’s care facility because he got a call that Ruby Jean had a seizure. She tells LaLa that Jesus needs him, and that the man who serves up goat blood is the reason.
– Lafayette leaves to hunt down Jesus’ crazy brujo gramps, but not before Ruby Jean gives him a kiss, tells him being gay is an abomination and lectures him on hitting the bong. Hope he got her something nice for Mother’s Day this year.

Lafayette’s guide to patriotic denim
We’re guessing he bought this Rocawear coat ($31, at a Fourth of July sale, but either way, stars and stripes and gay love and bong hits forever!

Brick Sackhouse
– Jason’s dad makes a dream visit (no novelty pyjamas for Jason though) and they have a fireside chat about how dad always made Jason feel like a champ. Jason pledges to his dad he’ll find the vamp that killed him and mom.
– Jason tells Sookie that a vamp killed their parents and that Hadley told him so. Sookie is skeptical and wants him to take her to the club. (She got drunk last night and is heading to a club tonight—is Sooks becoming a party animal?)
– Sookie finds the magic door to Cirque du so Fae and she and Jason take in the floorshow that’s a combination of Frederick’s of Hollywood and what the kids on Dance Moms will be doing in 15 years.
– Claude interrupts Sookie’s reunion with Hadley and reintroduces himself. He explains they don’t believe in the harvest of humans like Mab with her lightfruit. They left that fae world behind to start a new life in this dimension where they were free to wear lingerie, sparkly ties and vests with no shirts.
– Claude tells them what he knows about their parents being ambushed by a vamp who smelled Sookie’s Band-Aid in the back of the car. (I’m sorry, am I new or wouldn’t Sookie’s parents smell like fae too?)
– This makes Sookie freak out and she starts her zappers out of some weird guilt complex and fae mistrust, but Claude’s Claudie-named sisters zap her back first.

Sookie’s guide to standing out in a room of half-naked folk
We’re guessing Jason did not relay there was a dress code of tassel bras and taffeta, as Sookie shows up in her Merlotte’s uniform and a polka dot hoodie. If Sookie had known, we’re sure she would’ve found a middle ground like this chambray polka dot cropped corset ($18,, because her Nan raised her to be respectful of always wearing what’s appropriate.

Celebrate Good Times
– The Authority dude talks to the human meat locker people and Doug who all remember what the lady who took them looked like, but rather than glamour and release, he fills their bus with blood by killing them. Is he covering for someone?
– Bill and Eric are welcomed back to The Authority with what looks like blood champagne. (Does Moët & Chandon make a “sang” variety?)
– Chancellor Harris gives Bill and Eric a little wink about them having her approval, which also maybe means she wants to hook up after the party for celebration sex.
– Eric wants to chat with Nora, but Salome fills him in on her confessing to be Sanguinista as if that should make him no longer want to be seen with her, and Bill gives a look like, “I’m not with this guy.”
– Roman joins the party in golf gear and jovially shares with them that they’ll be known as the guys that took down Russell Edgington—not the catchiest of nicknames.

Salome’s guide to a frock that multi-tasks
Since she’s jumping back and forth between torturing Russell for info and partying with her fellow Chancellors, Salome has struck a balance with somber and serious black and her usual deep cleave. The structural and pleated shoulders are making us forget all about Pam’s power puffs, so this Carven LBD ($1,012, is the ticket if success is all in the shoulders.

Faith at Stake
– Roman spews religious proclamations, so Bill continues to act all into the Lilith faith while Eric is claiming to be an atheist. Roman makes a dad joke about Eric being “too cool for school.”
– Eric asks Roman if he can visit Nora and reveals she’s his sister, and again Bill is all, this guy is not my friend.
– Eric is with Nora as Russell and Salome breeze by her cell, and Salome lets Nora know about the coming execution.
– This makes Nora very happy as she tells Eric about how God’s plan is coming true because of “her” and “her plan.” Is this “her” Salome? We think so!
– A lightbulb goes off in Eric’s head when he realizes that Nora didn’t free Russell.
– Meanwhile Roman and Russell have a shouting match and when Roman goes to activate Russell’s iStake, there’s no reception.
– As the horrified (and somehow totally free of instincts to help) Chancellors (including a crying Salome and a wide-eyed Dieter) and Molly and Bill look on, Russell puts a stake to Roman. Eric, who is the only one not standing still, vamp speed walks in as if to tell everyone what he learned.
– Somehow a dude in dirty pyjamas who looks like he just got out of rehab overpowers a super old vamp who is all golf fit and muscular, and Russell thus stakes Roman.

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.

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