True Blood Recap: Things get even crazier at the Authority while the costume designers try to hide Anna Paquin’s pregnancy

Can you believe we’re close to the end? Patrick sure can, after being shot by Terry and Arlene he was eaten by smokey last week. Sookie narrowly escaped getting fed to some pigs by a lady hillbilly named Dragon who’s behind the supe murders, but was saved by Sam, Luna, Andy and Jason, but Hoyt was looking like his ass was ham. Russell took puppy Emma and gave her to Steve Newlin as a pet, much to Martha’s shrieks. And there’s a new vamp sheriff in town, and he’s sitting in Pam’s chair. The biggest upset of the night though, was Bill snitching on Eric to Salome, foiling his plan to escape and getting him locked up by The Authority. Will this fence mend by season’s end? Let’s see if Bill visits Eric in jail…

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Restless Russell
-Bill gives Eric a second chance to find Lilith by forcing him to drop some L-blood with Nora (who’s got on a cap sleeve, drape front leather jacket because leather is next to godliness).
-Eric gets more holier-than-thou speechifying from ghost Godric before Lils kills Godric and a crying Eric pledges his faith.
-Russell and Steve make-out dance to Katy Perry after decimating a frat house.
-Eric worships at Russell’s feet. (Not sure if he’s sincere.) Russell is wearing a leather trench coat that’s very Nic Cage.
-Sam and Luna sneak into The Authority as stowaway mice via Steve’s bag. (It’s like a Ralph S. Mouse adventure.) Emma is crying, she wants her mommy, but Steve feeds her angry “you’re mommy doesn’t love you” lies.
-Jess is dreaming of her first make out with Hoyt when Bill sends his security team to collect her so he can teach her about the vamp bible back at Authority HQ. Poor thing doesn’t seem too happy to be back in bible school even if it means she gets to join the black leather club (which we’re happy about because those faded jeans she was wearing were the worst).
-Russell has grown tired of The Authority and wants to day walk by figuring out how fae blood works, but Salome is like, blasphemy! Eric and Bill exchange Sookie looks. Russell rages on them, he’ll have the sun! He throws Salome, and threatens Nora (love the leather panel on the back of her dress) and splits.

Scroll of Doom
-After Hoyt’s near death-by-pig experience he’s decided to leave Bon Temps to work on a rig in Alaska.
-He gets Jason and Jessica together for a goodbye and guilts Jessica into doing an Eternal Sunshine of Hoyt’s Spotless Mind so he’ll forget all about her and Jason and go live his life a happy Hoyt. Jason is heartbroken about losing his bestie, and we sniffle a bit for his loss.
-After killing the county coroner who wanted to suck on her toes and suck out all her blood, Sookie is going to stay at Jason’s. His detective skills find a secret fae scroll under the floor.
-Jason has a good cry after pulling over Hoyt and Bubba not recognizing his ol’ bud Jason. Luckily Sookie comforts him.
-Jason and Sookie go to Claude’s place and consult with a pregnant 500 year-old Maurella (Um, is that Andy’s baby in there since they had sex in the grass at the end of last season?) about the scroll. Apparently in 1702 Sookie’s great-something granddaddy made a pack that means Warlow gets Sookie since she’s the family’s first fae-bearing heir. (This makes no sense to us and we hope they explain it more, since we thought that Hadley came from Sookie’s dad’s sister and thus would be the first fae-bearing lady? Or does fae-baring mean she’s going to get bred with a faery? And we thought Adele had an affair with a feary and that’s how all this started way after 1702? Are we bad Truebies for being lost?)

Sookie’s guide to a floral dress that blooms with you, not against you
Since we can’t buy a dress from the queen of the cabbage rose babydoll, Betsey Johnson, we’ll settle for this Wren flared dress ($333,, because even though we’re not downplaying a pregnancy like Paquin, we do sometimes feel like we’re having a food baby.

Bar Stars
-At Fangtasia the new vamp sheriff Elijah is having a team meeting, and is done up like Adam Ant or a Siouxsie and the Banshees groupie in a velvet frock coat and some serious Baroque hair. Scratch that, Tara in her acid wash military coat and crap load of jewellery is more Adam Ant. Pam didn’t get the New Wave memo and is wearing a white studded leatherish coat and a pencil skirt that looks like it’s upholstery from a hot rod.
-The bar is going broke because humans aren’t safe around hungry vamps and the TruBlood stock is dry. Elijah wants them to make some babies but Pam isn’t into becoming the Octo Mom of Area 5.
-Merlotte’s is also suffering for business, but Lafayette is still fierce! He wears a sparkly tiger top, leopard tank top and glittering head scarf to cook food for Andy and Holly because he’s got nothing better to do during the vampandemonium.
-Tara lures Elijah with a false story about killing Ginger, who puts in the performance of a lifetime and stakes Elijah when he bends over to check on her, while Tara beheads him with a badass sword swing.
-As Ginger does her trademark covered-in-blood-and-screaming thing Pam comes in and is not happy with her progeny. But then again, maybe Pam is happy since her angry and happy face is the same.

Pam and Tara’s guide to moto jackets
The bar may be suffering for funds, but Pam and Tara aren’t dressing for the poorhouse. From Pam’s “I mean business” studded biker jacket ($180, to Tara’s flashy metallic topper that probably easily wipes clean of Elijah blood, like this one from Nasty Gal ($80,, it’s like the two of them actually have pretty similar tastes even when there’s no theme.

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.

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