True Blood Recap: Alcide goes Rambo, Tara goes full-on Showgirls and the Tupac hologram makes its way to the small screen (not really)

You guys! Stuff happened last week that we’re still kind of recovering from. True Blood killed off Roman. That’s like killing the Pope of the vampires. Is this a Dan Brown novel? So yeah, Russell was captured, but someone slipped him the key to his handcuffs and he offed Roman as the rest of The Authority top brass looked on. Oh, and some other stuff: Hoyt got van-napped by the supe shooting hillbillies (who Sam is hunting down with Sheriff Andy), Alcide was challenged for packmaster, Terry left Arlene so the fire curse wouldn’t feel threatened by her fire engine red locks, Lafayette’s mom told him Jesus needed his help and Jason and Sookie visited that fae club to see Hadley and learn more about their parents’ death.

Lilith Tripping
– Post-Roman staking, there’s pandemonium and then Russell is caught in silver while Eric is somehow safe (despite it looking like Russell was going to get his Talbot revenge).
– Salome invites Eric and Bill to join her and Nora (not for an orgy, sadly) and welcome Russell, who she freed. Eric is pissed at his sis. Russell goes on about being born again, but Eric and Bill aren’t into joining the Church of Lilith and the Latter Day Sanguinistas.
– Salome gives a speech to her fellow Chancellors about Russell’s sins being forgiven in the name of Lilith. Dieter dissents, and gets decapitated. Salome passes around Lilith’s blood like she stole her parent’s hooch for a slumber party and they all act like taking one shot is going to get them wasted. And it does!
– The nine of them, including Bill and Eric, head down Bourbon Street in New Orleans tripping out. Russell Edgington is giving us a Corey Feldman (when he took Drew Barrymore to the Oscars and hung out with Michael Jackson) vibe.
– They hit a private karaoke party and binge on some boring white people, and group-hallucinate naked Lilith cheering on their blood sport. Eric’s trip also conjures up a judgy Godric, telling him to save his sister. I bet Hologram Tupac hates Hologram Godric in Hologram Heaven; he’s such a downer.

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I Put A Smell On You
– Sookie gets some kind of fae shiatsu luminescence massage and is told her magic battery isn’t some Energizer battery that keeps going. (Why do the fairies have British accents? It’s hard to take this fae doctor seriously when she looks like a sorority sister who’s just come from a sexy pajama party.)
– At the military surplus, Sam does that thing we do when we’re trying to figure out what smells so bad in our car (it’s a bag of old, half-eaten Subway sandwiches every time) sniffing around for the men that shot him.
– Hoyt’s been given some eye-makeup remover, and he and the Hillbillies are drinking Old Milwaukees and talking about how h8 is gr8. Then he jumps into the back of the truck, throws on an Obama mask and goes off with his new pals for trouble.
– Jason tells Sookie over bacon not to blame herself for their parents’ death. She doesn’t wallow in bed, but goes to see Luna and Sam at the hospital and talks “what-ifs” about being free of her “special qualities.”
– The smoke monster punks Terry and Patrick. Terry feels suicidal as a result. Yawn.
– Sookie tries to blow through her magic by zapping at the sky — it’s like a private Fourth of July at the Stackhouse property.
– Jason and Jessica have a domestic where she bites him and he shoots her in the head because she kissed him with another dude’s blood on her lips.

Sookie’s guide to a candy striper, coffee talk and fairy-power-purging dress
Look like the sweet friend you are dropping off Sonic and smut mags to Luna. Don’t distract Sam with too much skin, and wear something that won’t get in the way of your microwave hands — you know, just something simple like this Forever21 print dress ($30,

Hard For The Money
– Alcide and Rikki’s (two K’s, obviously) training session is like Step Up Werevolution! He thinks there’s no way he can win because of JD’s V juicing.
– JD tells his pack that the end of days is coming and they all need to get on the V to stay safe. He offers some to Emma, but luckily Martha shows up before she drinks it. Wonder what Poison Control would recommend for that?
– Lala shows up at Jesus’s gramp’s place and finds his ex-lover’s head sitting on one of those hand-shaped chairs Buster Bluth had on Arrested Development. He gets his lips sewn up at gunpoint by Don Bartolo and his prego baby mama — he wants Jesus’s brujo powers back to put in his unborn baby. We think Brujo Baby sounds like the Mexican Look Who’s Talking.
– Luckily for Lala, the baby mama stabs gramps before he can do too much carving of Lala’s pretty face, and looks at him like he’s chocolate covered pickles and she’s got a bad craving, but then kindly frees his lips.
– What in the Gina Gershon? Tara’s gone full-on Showgirls. Her mom comes in and disowns her for being a vampire, which gets her a quick hug from Pam. Pretty sure Pam just saw Christina Aguilera in the “Lady Marmalade” video for the first time and that’s what is responsible for this look. Or did she rediscover her Windmere crimper when she was packing up Eric’s stuff? Either way, yay!

Tara’s guide to pole dancing in PVC
We can’t imagine ever saying to our boss that we make a better dancer than bartender, but way to figure out what colour your parachute is, Tara! Personally, we’d want a little more mystery and some fabric to help with thigh chafe, thus this corset dress ($69,

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.

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