Why are we so afraid of female competition?
Growing up, whenever a girl at school would be mean to me—and it happened often (you know how young girls can be)—my mom would give me the same explanation, “She’s just jealous.” No matter how many times I heard it though, I never truly understood this justification. I remember trying to rationalize this concept at nine-years old like, “Okay, so she’s mean because I made the basketball team. Does that mean that if I want to be popular I should be more ordinary?”
Kinda sad when you say it like that but it’s true, I, like many others, was taught at an early age that girls don’t like it when other girls succeed. It makes them feel bad about themselves and if you want to be great, you do it at the risk of upsetting other women.
As I got older, of course, I found the incredible group of women I now call my best friends and we have nothing but support and admiration for each other. But, unfortunately, despite being insulated personally by an amazing squad of females, I’m still very much aware of the brutal competitiveness among women.
During my nearly 10 years working as an entertainment journalist, I noticed that male coworkers were usually the first to congratulate a female colleague on a promotion, giving the impression that the girls were more upset for themselves than happy for each other. Similarly, at the boxing gym where I am a coach, though there are female fighters who are incredibly supportive, there’s also a few who are cold, catty and as my mom would say, undoubtedly jealous of my success in the sport.
The topic of female competition and whether it’s a positive or negative thing has recently surfaced in the headlines. Janice Min, the president and chief creative officer of The Hollywood Reporter and Billboard magazines, revealed her decision to abolish the annual powerful women’s lists – both the Women in Entertainment Power 100 and 50 Most Powerful Women in Music editions. The reason? She’s tired of pitting women against each other in what inevitably turns into a “female cage match.” She explains, “I’ve come to believe that something as simple as our ranked women’s lists contributes to keeping that sense alive, that we accidentally created a beauty pageant of brains where only one woman gets crowned. Some women have publicly cried upon seeing their rankings. That is funny to some people. But it’s depressing as hell to me.” She also claims that in an industry where we’re still fighting for gender equality, creating this competitive environment among women is counter-productive. Instead she is implementing a power list that includes both men and women.
While I can sort of see where she’s coming from, Min’s decision to stop recognizing these incredible women is both confusing and infuriating. Are we really letting the few insecure women ruin it for those who work hard and deserve to be acknowledged? Basically, we can no longer celebrate anyone because a few people can’t take the heat or play nice. This can’t be the only solution.
Enter, Lainey Lui, my friend and former colleague at CTV. Lainey is by far one of the hungriest, hardest working females I’ve ever met. She runs an incredibly successful gossip blog, LaineyGossip.com, while simultaneously working as a Senior Correspondent at eTalk and a co-host on The Social. Oh, she also found time to write a best selling book, “Listen to the Squawking Chicken.” Best of all, she is both unapologetic about her success and also very supportive of other intelligent women – the perfect source of insight for this conversation.
Unsurprisingly, the always outspoken Lui is not shy to admit that she staunchly believes in healthy competition amongst women in business, something she likens to sports rankings. “Athletes train, they seek motivation within themselves and from others. They push themselves to go faster, to endure more, in order to be able to excel above their athletic rivals. The same can be said of female entrepreneurs. They can find inspiration in the accomplishments of their peers. That inspiration drives them to find their top gear, do their best work. Competition doesn’t have to be ugly. And it can yield such amazing results.” So true. Do you think that the other tennis players hate Serena Williams because she’s the best? They might not like losing, but you can guarantee that they go back to the drawing board and work harder than they’ve ever worked in hopes of being as good or better someday. It motivates them to bring their best and there is a mutual respect among athletes for that very reason.
Lainey has her own Serena equivalent when it comes to writing: her best friend and contributing writer, Duana Taha. “When Duana writes a kick-ass article, I read it, I savour it, and then I re-read it. Because I admire great writing. And then I want to match that. I want to deliver the same—or better. I want her to read something I’ve written and have the same reaction from her. And, doing that, I hope we can rise together. To keep going until we both write our masterpieces.”
As for why the catty culture among women continues to dominate, according to Lui it comes down to two basic facts. The first, she says, is that we are taught to be afraid of ambition. “When we fear something, it becomes dirty. If we were to embrace female ambition, supported by healthy competition, we change our perspective about what that looks like.” Lainey also calls out insecurity as a key factor in rejecting healthy girl-on-girl rivalry. She claims, “in my experience, negative female competition almost always originates in a lack of confidence. If you can get over yourself though, and see where you can grow, you can turn those experiences into learning opportunities.”
As I sit here and write this story, I realize that Lainey Lui is my Serena Williams. She is an intelligent, hard working, powerful and world-renowned female writer. While I can’t say that I didn’t have a moment of insecurity interviewing her for this story, I can say that it is my respect for her greatness that is forcing me to bring my A-game for this article. I may be far from where she is on the spectrum of success, but you best be damn sure I will work hard to someday come close.
If we could all let go of our egos and embrace each other’s badassery, maybe we could live in a world where instead of generating tears, Min’s lists and others like them, inspired us to stand up tall, pat each other on the back and be fucking great.
 on Oct 20, 2015 at 8:01am PDT
Growing up, whenever a girl at school would be mean to me---and it happened often (you know how young girls can be)---my mom would give me the same explanation, “She’s just jealous.” No matter how many times I heard it though, I never truly understood this justification. I remember trying to rationalize this concept at nine-years old like, “Okay, so she’s mean because I made the basketball team. Does that mean that if I want to be popular I should be more ordinary?”
Kinda sad when you say it like that but it’s true, I, like many others, was taught at an early age that girls don’t like it when other girls succeed. It makes them feel bad about themselves and if you want to be great, you do it at the risk of upsetting other women.
As I got older, of course, I found the incredible group of women I now call my best friends and we have nothing but support and admiration for each other. But, unfortunately, despite being insulated personally by an amazing squad of females, I’m still very much aware of the brutal competitiveness among women.
During my nearly 10 years working as an entertainment journalist, I noticed that male coworkers were usually the first to congratulate a female colleague on a promotion, giving the impression that the girls were more upset for themselves than happy for each other. Similarly, at the boxing gym where I am a coach, though there are female fighters who are incredibly supportive, there’s also a few who are cold, catty and as my mom would say, undoubtedly jealous of my success in the sport.
The topic of female competition and whether it’s a positive or negative thing has recently surfaced in the headlines. Janice Min, the president and chief creative officer of The Hollywood Reporter and Billboard magazines, revealed her decision to abolish the annual powerful women’s lists – both the Women in Entertainment Power 100 and 50 Most Powerful Women in Music editions. The reason? She’s tired of pitting women against each other in what inevitably turns into a “female cage match.” She explains, “I’ve come to believe that something as simple as our ranked women’s lists contributes to keeping that sense alive, that we accidentally created a beauty pageant of brains where only one woman gets crowned. Some women have publicly cried upon seeing their rankings. That is funny to some people. But it’s depressing as hell to me.” She also claims that in an industry where we're still fighting for gender equality, creating this competitive environment among women is counter-productive. Instead she is implementing a power list that includes both men and women.
While I can sort of see where she’s coming from, Min’s decision to stop recognizing these incredible women is both confusing and infuriating. Are we really letting the few insecure women ruin it for those who work hard and deserve to be acknowledged? Basically, we can no longer celebrate anyone because a few people can’t take the heat or play nice. This can’t be the only solution.
Enter, Lainey Lui, my friend and former colleague at CTV. Lainey is by far one of the hungriest, hardest working females I’ve ever met. She runs an incredibly successful gossip blog, LaineyGossip.com, while simultaneously working as a Senior Correspondent at eTalk and a co-host on The Social. Oh, she also found time to write a best selling book, "Listen to the Squawking Chicken." Best of all, she is both unapologetic about her success and also very supportive of other intelligent women – the perfect source of insight for this conversation.
Unsurprisingly, the always outspoken Lui is not shy to admit that she staunchly believes in healthy competition amongst women in business, something she likens to sports rankings. “Athletes train, they seek motivation within themselves and from others. They push themselves to go faster, to endure more, in order to be able to excel above their athletic rivals. The same can be said of female entrepreneurs. They can find inspiration in the accomplishments of their peers. That inspiration drives them to find their top gear, do their best work. Competition doesn't have to be ugly. And it can yield such amazing results.” So true. Do you think that the other tennis players hate Serena Williams because she’s the best? They might not like losing, but you can guarantee that they go back to the drawing board and work harder than they’ve ever worked in hopes of being as good or better someday. It motivates them to bring their best and there is a mutual respect among athletes for that very reason.
Lainey has her own Serena equivalent when it comes to writing: her best friend and contributing writer, Duana Taha. “When Duana writes a kick-ass article, I read it, I savour it, and then I re-read it. Because I admire great writing. And then I want to match that. I want to deliver the same---or better. I want her to read something I've written and have the same reaction from her. And, doing that, I hope we can rise together. To keep going until we both write our masterpieces.”
As for why the catty culture among women continues to dominate, according to Lui it comes down to two basic facts. The first, she says, is that we are taught to be afraid of ambition. “When we fear something, it becomes dirty. If we were to embrace female ambition, supported by healthy competition, we change our perspective about what that looks like.” Lainey also calls out insecurity as a key factor in rejecting healthy girl-on-girl rivalry. She claims, “in my experience, negative female competition almost always originates in a lack of confidence. If you can get over yourself though, and see where you can grow, you can turn those experiences into learning opportunities.”
As I sit here and write this story, I realize that Lainey Lui is my Serena Williams. She is an intelligent, hard working, powerful and world-renowned female writer. While I can’t say that I didn’t have a moment of insecurity interviewing her for this story, I can say that it is my respect for her greatness that is forcing me to bring my A-game for this article. I may be far from where she is on the spectrum of success, but you best be damn sure I will work hard to someday come close.
If we could all let go of our egos and embrace each other’s badassery, maybe we could live in a world where instead of generating tears, Min’s lists and others like them, inspired us to stand up tall, pat each other on the back and be fucking great.
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