Does shopping for a swimsuit trigger a tidal wave of self-doubt? Here are 7 tips to guide you to shore
By Leah McLaren
In my view, every bathing suit shop in the civilized world should be legally obliged to post one of those orange signs you see beside the doors of saunas. WARNING: Exit immediately if uncomfortable, dizzy or sleepy. Avoid if pregnant or in poor medical health. Bikini shopping in conjunction with alcohol or drugs may cause unconsciousness. By the time I found out, it was already too late. I was naked, weeping, red-faced and five-and-a-half-months knocked up, under the fluorescent lights of a fast-fashion change room on Oxford Street in London, England. A discarded pile of solid colour bandeau and triangle bikinis lay in a wilted pile beside me. No, it was not a good look. But then again, what was I thinking? Swimwear shopping is a self-esteem crapshoot at the best of times, let alone with a sore back, swollen tummy and bazooka breasts.
Since then, upon much sober reflection, I have compiled a list of wisdom gleaned from years of swimwear-shopping trauma. Whether you are a gangly tween contemplating your first padded two-piece or a post-partum mum longing to reclaim your inner Gidget, the following advice will help guide you seamlessly from change room to checkout.
#1 Avoid self-flagellation in favour of self-acceptance.
#2 It is possible to conceal your wobbly bits whilst retaining your sex appeal.
Less has never been more than when it comes to swimwear. However, you shouldn’t underestimate the power of concealment when it comes to playing up your best assets on the beach (see #6).
#3 Exercise caution when mixing and matching.
Stripes and solids, yes. Dots and stripes, OK. Paisley and Hawaiian florals? Only if you’re a Japanese art student on holiday in Ibiza.
#4 Don’t be afraid to spend some of your hard-earned cash.
I know it’s only a couple of tiny strips of Lycra held together by a flimsy clip, but it’s a well known fact that as much architectural planning goes into a well-made bathing suit as into any great cathedral. (That’s a lie, but you get my point.) It’s worth having fewer, better suits that actually fit you than a plethora of poor quality ones that make you look and feel like a trussed-up Christmas goose. The key here is not being afraid to make an investment when you know the suit is right.
#5 It’s never polite to lie to your friends.
Remember that pal who told you the sequined bandeau G-string bikini with faux-crystal hardware looked awesome on you back in 2006? You’re not friends with her anymore, are you? I rest my case.
#6 Fear not the one-piece, for the one-piece is our friend.
From Marc by Marc Jacobs to Gucci, the one-piece swimsuit is everywhere this summer. This look is not granny-ish, it’s retro-chic, and while it was all over the runways it will still make you stand out at the beach—especially in a bold print or polka dots—where the garden-variety surf bikini still dominates.
#7 Crochet bikinis are no fun on the beach.
It’s important to be on trend, but at what cost? This season, runway fashions dictated lots of beach-friendly ’60s and ’70s looks with retro-inspired high-waist bottoms, ruffles and cutaways. I can get down with that. But as for the knit bikini—a.k.a. swimwear you can’t actually swim in—I’ll take a pass, thanks. Some trends are best left to the pages of glossy magazines.
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