I Can’t Cook, but Even I Know Paris Hilton Is Doing This Wrong

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a great cook. I feel absolutely uncomfortable in the kitchen, and the thought of prepping ingredients and timing the cooking of each element to create even a simple meal is just overwhelming and anxiety-inducing.

I can now, however, safely say that I am much better than Paris Hilton is in the kitchen.

Let me explain. The other day, one of my friends messaged the group chat saying, “Omg Paris Hilton has created her own cooking show on YouTube and it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen LOL literally was laughing and screaming at the tv.”

I initially brushed it off, thinking to myself, “Well, what else would you expect from a cooking show from Paris Hilton?” but was finally convinced to pay attention when another friend in the group chat made a comment about Paris’s gloves. I was intrigued. And guys, it is truly something.

The video, called “Cooking with Paris,” shows the 38-year-old socialite/heiress/DJ/beauty mogul teaching her audience how to make her “Sliving lasagna” (“sliving” is apparently a mashup of the words “slaying” and “living” and gives you a good idea of how the whole tutorial will go) and it honestly had me screaming in shock, rage, secondhand embarrassment and glee.

“As you all know, well maybe not all of you know, people who do know, know that I am an amazing cook,” Paris says, as she enters the kitchen holding her dog/assistant, Diamond Baby (more on that later). You really can’t say the woman isn’t confident!

In the nearly 16-minute video that amassed over 2.2 million views in a week, Paris goes on to “cook” lasagna in a kitchen she doesn’t seem to know her way around, violating numerous health and safety protocols while offering no actual measurements or cooking times to her viewers. It’s an absolute mess, but that’s what makes it so entertaining and hilarious to watch.

Not convinced? Below, the best—and most questionable—moments from “Cooking with Paris.”

Paris’s fingerless “chef” gloves

The thing that hooked me in the first place is also one of the best parts of this whole video. For some reason, Paris cooks with fingerless gloves. I initially thought she was going for a Karl Lagerfeld vibe (hey, Diamond Baby is wearing a Chanel apron!) while FLARE assistant editor Katherine Singh thought they were workout gloves (LOL). Paris herself says her “chef” gloves are usually for “sliving, but now that it’s 2020, you’re still going to see sliving, but sliving it in a different way… like cooking lasagna.”

Ummm… OK.

But here’s the thing about wearing fingerless gloves in the kitchen: IT DOESN’T ALLOW YOU TO WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER TOUCHING THINGS, such as your dog/assistant, phone or food, including RAW MEAT (yes, that happened). Hey, I may not know how to chop onions properly, but at least I know to wash my damn hands thoroughly with soap before and after handling food, especially if you are touching your pet intermittently. Oh, and while we’re on healthy and safety violations, Paris, your hair looks great and all, but you should probably tie it up, not just so it won’t “light on fire,” but so it doesn’t get in your food. Although, if your dog’s hair is already in your “sliving lasagna,” I guess it doesn’t really matter at that point?

The kitchen set-up

One of my most burning questions for this episode of “Cooking With Paris” is: Who owns this kitchen and who the hell set everything up?

Clearly, Paris is not used to this kitchen (she even admits that it’s her “first time cooking here”) as she stomps around in her heels attempting to find the proper cooking utensils to make her sliving lasagna (at one point, she uses a ladle to mix ricotta cheese and considers using a cake server when she finds the ladle isn’t doing its job). But what’s already set up on the countertop is particularly interesting: Barilla lasagna, which Paris reluctantly uses, saying she prefers lasagna that doesn’t need to be “steamed” beforehand, aluminum serving trays, printed dish towels with sayings like “Allergic to bullshit” and “Yes, I am the fucking Queen” imprinted on them which the camera seems to love (there are several cuts to said towels throughout the video) and a Marilyn Monroe bust, to name a few.

You’d think that the proper utensils would be more important than printed towels, but hey! Maybe that’s part of the appeal.

How Paris cooks lasagna noodles

OK, so it’s already been established that Paris is not used to cooking pasta noodles (“I would recommend getting [the noodles that you don’t need to steam], you just put them in the oven, you don’t even have to steam them or anything, and they taste amazing, but, whatever, today we’ll settle with these”), so this might explain why Paris appears to put the dry pasta noodles in non-boiling water. “Might” is the key word here, everyone.

Paris posting on social media in real time

Want to know how the original influencer crafts her social media posts? Well, lucky for you, Paris will show you in this cooking tutorial. After begrudgingly grating the mozzarella, Paris decides it’s time to tweet about her escapades in the kitchen. After taking a photo, she begins narrating as she types, “About to film a new YouTube video of me cooking my infamous lasagna.” But then comes the most important part: the hashtags.

“Hashtag cooking with Paris, hashtag Chef Paris, hashtag Paris Lasagna,” she thinks aloud as she types, before backtracking and saying, “Actually no, do NOT use the hashtag Paris lasagna, it sounds beyond.”

Moral of the story? Always check your hashtags before tweeting.

Paris’s paper towel “trick”

If there’s one thing I learned from “Cooking With Paris,” it’s that if you make a mistake in the kitchen, paper towel will fix it.

While prepping the pan to cook the meat sauce, Paris accidentally pours in too much olive oil.

“I think I put too much, so, if you ever do that, just go like this and smush it around,” she instructs, as she uses a paper towel to spread the olive oil before throwing it in the sink, where the rest of her garbage seems to go.

Later on, Paris takes this trick to the next level after accidentally pouring too much salt onto the meat (which, by the way, she instructs to make “tan.” Pardon, Paris?).

“That’s too much, so I’m going to do my towel trick. Take a towel, get bottled water, because who knows what’s in these sewers, it’s beyond, and then dab the meat,” she says.

(Note: Paris later seasons the meat with MORE salt… Himalayan Pink Salt to be exact because it “sounds cool.”)

Her not-so-subtle product plugs

In the middle of the cooking tutorial (right after cooking the meat, to be exact), Paris decides it’s time to take a break and spray herself with her Paris Hilton unicorn mist. She almost mists herself close to the food, but stops herself and takes a step back, saying, “Of course, not near the food.” (Of course.)

Later, after putting the lasagna in the oven, the camera cuts to Paris drinking Neuro Trim as she says, “And always stay hydrated, I love this, it’s Neuro Trim, so basically you’re being healthy and then having lasagna all at once.”

When Paris completely omitted ingredients from the recipe (but still opted to wear her onion-cutting glasses)

In what’s probably the most relatable moment of the entire video, Paris decides to omit using onions and garlic after she realizes she forgot to put them into the sauce.

“Ugh,” she sighs, as she sees the ingredients on the counter before declaring in a bold power move, “I was supposed to chop these onions and garlic, but I feel my lasagna should not have onion or garlic in it.”

She does not let the opportunity pass to show off her oversized sunglasses that she uses to cut onions, however.

“I actually brought these so if I was going to cut onions, I would wear them. It kinda helps with tears, or just, I don’t know, ruining your mascara,” she says.

The moment Paris used her tagline “That’s hot” in its literal form

Hands-down my absolute favourite part of the video is when Paris attempts to pick up the meat pan and realizes aloud, “Oh, that’s hot.” Such pure usage of her signature tagline has never been seen before, and like Paris-shredded mozzarella tops off her sliving lasagna, it just really tops off this masterful cooking tutorial.