SNP’s word of the day: Celebutot

Illustration by Lewis Mirrett

Word: Celebutot

Meaning: Taken from the older English portmanteau “celebutante,” this refers to a child who is famous for having famous parents and, as a result, a lot of stupendously expensive stuff.

Usage: “How to dress your kid like a celebutot.” That’s an actual iVillage online headline. Let’s just end the world.

You should know it because: I don’t know. Should you know this? You might sleep better if you don’t. But celebutots are real and they are multiplying: from high-heeled, Chanel-clad Suri Cruise to a blue-mohawked, skinny-jeaned Kingston Rossdale, frighteningly stylish children are making a case for their own category on the Vanity Fair best-dressed list.

In those halcyon days of 2009, AAA-list parents—the Cruises, the Jolie-Pitts, the Martin-Paltrows, et al.—waited two or three years before inflicting Burberry and Chloé on their kidlets. (Lots of fashion houses design for mini-humans now; Lanvin just announced their kids line, for example. Raw-edged silk nappies? Dry-clean only, of course.)

But now, gird yourself: Rachel Zoe‘s baby, Skyler, just four months old, has an $87,000 wardrobe. This includes: custom Missoni sweaters, a blankie by Hermès, a monogrammed LV diaper bag, a Gucci bomber jacket (“Isn’t that everything?” she told ABC’s Nightline, who filmed the whole enchilada last month), and Tod’s driving loafers (NB: HE STILL CAN’T WALK).

While it’s heartening to think of how much Ms. Zoe must give to charity (…right?), it’s also hard not to wonder if she is raising the Worst Person on Earth. A boy this spoiled is going to make Charlie Sheen look like Ryan Gosling by the age of like nine and a half. At 12 he’ll be on his second reality show, showing up wasted to his guest-judge stint on American Idol, and rumoured to have come between Demi and Ashton. Whenever someone asks him if he’s a bit young, he’ll whip out his blue diamond AmEx and start cutting lines of “baby powder.” And by 16 he’ll have been to rehab on Mars. Twice.

There’s a show on TLC called Toddlers and Tiaras that I’ve never watched but have read some outraged tweets about. I am not sure what these morally infuriated mom-types were expecting. Um, hi, did you look at the name of the show? It seems obvious that a lot of parents suck, and the only way to make themselves look slightly less sucky is to make their kids suck harder—on a 100 per cent Swarovski soother.

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