Our answer to Russia’s “Safe Selfie” guide will save your Insta-cred
This week, the Russian government issued a list of selfie safety guidelines we didn’t know we needed (but turns out we do). Launched by the country’s interior ministry, the campaign is in response to an increasing number of selfie-related injuries and deaths at the hands of high-risk photographers, who you may otherwise refer to as “daredevils” and/or “idiots.”
“Unfortunately, we have noted recently that the number of accidents caused by lovers of self-photography is constantly increasing,” Yelena Alexeyeva, aid to Russia’s interior minister, told AFP. “Since the beginning of the year, we are talking about some hundred cases of injuries for sure.”
Enter: the “Safe Selfie” pamphlet that includes #hawt #tips like, “A selfie on the railway tracks is a bad idea if you value your life” or “a cool selfie could cost you your life,” alongside an image of a person posing next to a tiger. All of which is very useful. Selfies atop roofs or towers or alongside alligators or during the total eclipse of the sun are very dangerous indeed. But as diligent as Russia is, there are few guidelines they’re missing out on, most of which have more to do with dignity and maintaining self-awareness in the social sphere. And because I care about the wellbeing of you, the photographer, and me, the person who has to see you photograph yourself, I included those missing guidelines here.
1. Selfie sticks jeopardize the well-being of everyone around you
You already have two selfie sticks. They’re called, “your arms.”
2. We’ve seen your gun range selfie before
We get it. You went to Vegas. Relax.
3. Careful! That’s a drink you’re holding!
And it’s almost the same kind as the one you first drank back in high school. Congratulations on being at a bar! We’ve passed away due to boredom.
4. A famous person may up your likes, but not if you seem like a voyeur
We were all excited to see That Guy™ that one time at that one place. Except for him, because he caught you trying to take that weird sneaky selfie, and now everybody feels uncomfortable, but especially him.
5. You’re on a plane! (Calm down!)
You’re in the sky! You’re on a plane! You’re in the air! It’s exciting! For you. It’s exciting for you. Refrain from all airplane seat selfies unless you’re posing next to a colonial woman, located directly on the wing.
6. UH OH: Who took that?
Sitting at your desk and looking into the distance? Who took that?! You? Was it you? We know it was you. It’s always you. We know you took that photo of yourself, looking away from the camera because your hair was doing that thing you wish it would do all the time. Who else would take it? Nobody. You’d never ask anybody to take that. Because even you know it has to be you.
7. Without captions, who knows why
Remember: selfies are embarrassing as soon as you remember everything involved in taking a selfie. We need a caption. Any caption. Something that tells us you know that we know that you took 42 photos to ensure you’d get the best one. Just post the surfing guy or the galloping horse. Just not…
8. Poetry? More like no-etry (#LOL)
A selfie will always be a selfie, even if it’s paired with a poetic caption. Your literary knowledge doesn’t erase the fact that you spent 14 minutes tweaking filters. Sometimes we are all basic, just embrace it.
9. Still holding up that drink? It’s late and we’re all sad now
You may look super-fly in the bar bathroom mirrors (congrats!), but grainy, dark, low-quality club selfies are an assault on our feeds and your own life as well. Also, the bar’s almost closing. Go get shawarma and drink some water.
10. Driving selfies?!
No. What? Seriously? You’re parked, right? In a drive-thru? That’s it, then. No. I don’t care how great the sun looks on your hair. Everyone feels unsafe around you, and more importantly, you’re in a car. WOW.
