Episode 17: Once a player…

Outdoor café. Lauren and Brody are lunching, and it’s highly romantic, as usual. “Wow, your eyes look very beautiful right now,” Brody says. “They look very blue…ish. I need to get some eyes like that.” He could use some new eyes, as his just won’t stop wandering: “Little cuties everywhere,” he remarks offhandedly, checking out another girl. He glances back at Lauren long enough to notice that her bluish eyes have narrowed. “Kidding,” he says.   

Paramore’s “Crushcrushcrush” ushers us into Teen Vogue HQ for this week’s dose of Exposition With Whitney (now with even more over-the-top facial expressions!). We quickly learn that Lauren and Audrina are hosting a Halloween party, Audrina’s invited a Justin replacement, and Lauren’s not expecting to do the couples costume thing with Brody: “He’ll couple with Frankie before me. I guarantee he does.”

Heidi and Spencer’s. Heidi, in a stunning display of intelligence and general good sense, has chosen to discuss her wedding-related fears with Stephanie Pratt. She recaps the recent fight with Spencer that resulted in him taking off for the night when he didn’t get his way. “That’s so not like him,” Steph remarks. She obviously doesn’t watch this show. “I wanna get married, but maybe we should postpone this and wait a little bit,” Heidi says. This declaration seemingly causes Steph to short-circuit, as she just stares, unblinking, for several seconds. “But please don’t, you know, like, tell him anything,” Heidi adds nervously. “Oh, of course,” Steph lies.

Hillside Villas, Halloween Party. Frankie and Brody, dressed as Batman and Robin (score one for Lauren!), mingle with the other guests, who include a pair of referees, a pirate, a king, a ladybug (Whitney) and various other sexy insects. Jen Bunney is also there, and I’m sad to report that she is not dressed as a rabbit; instead (if the magic marker on her arms can be believed), she’s a “Joon Bug,” complete with bobbing antennae. Brody stays just long enough to meet Audrina’s cute Australian date, Corey, before he’s out the door in search of greener little cuties. Flapper Lauren sighs dramatically.

Paper shop. Spencer and Steph are picking up wedding invitations when Steph decides she just can’t hold her secret in any longer. “That fight freaked [Heidi] out… Spencer, I don’t even think she is 100 per cent sure she wants to get married right now,” Steph says, shooting for concerned and coming off amused. Spencer decides to talk to his future bride before dropping any money on stationery. “I didn’t want to say anything, but…” Steph smirks as they exit. I would pay good money to see a catfight between Steph and everyone’s other favorite reluctant meddler, Jen Bunney. Who’s with me?

Date. Corey tells Audrina an amusingly self-deprecating story about being given training chopsticks at a sushi place. Everything he says is cute because it’s in an Australian accent, even his lines: “Do you wanna go out, or do you wanna just… go home?” he asks, raising his eyebrows impishly.

Friend date. “This place is cute! It’s very romantical,” Lo says, sitting across from Lauren in a softly lit restaurant. “Oh well, I can be your boyfriend tonight.” You could do worse, Lauren! In fact, you have! The girls discuss Lauren and Brody’s friendship/relationship limbo. “So you want him to not want to see other girls,” Lo says. “But I don’t want to tell him not to do that,” Lauren adds. “Catch 22, love,” Lo says.

Villas. Lauren grills Audrina about her date, specifically the exact nature of the goodnight kiss. “Did you kiss him like, ‘Thanks for dinner’ kiss, or was it like, ‘I wanna kiss you, but I don’t know’ and then you kiss, or was it like a-”

“Oh my God, Lauren!” Audrina laughs, sidestepping the question by revealing that Justin hated kissing. “So, [Corey] returned your calls, which Justin didn’t; he likes to kiss, which Justin didn’t; he bathes, which Justin didn’t… UPGRADE!” Lauren says, smirking and giving Audrina an exaggerated thumbs up.

Heidi and Spencer’s. Spencer is pretending to read Inside Delta Force when Heidi interrupts him. He shoots her a steely glare. “What’s wrong?” she asks, and frankly I’m surprised she can even tell anything’s different, as “steely glare” is one of very few facial expressions in Spencer’s repertoire. He sells Steph out as a snitch and accuses Heidi of using the big wedding as an excuse to stall, Heidi finally calls him on his controlling behavior, Spencer claims he sacrificed everything to be with her 24/7, she says she doesn’t need him around that much, and he heads for the door. “If you leave, don’t come back!” Heidi yells, hurling something across the room as he shuts the door behind him.

Restaurant. Lauren and Brody discuss Audrina’s failed relationship with Justin. “Sometimes no matter how much you like a guy, they’re just not good for you,” Lauren says pointedly. Brody sees where she’s going with this: “What, do you think I’m gonna go mack all these girls?” Lauren does, and to prove her point, she grabs his phone and goes through his list of contacts. It includes more than 20 girls in just the A’s and B’s, among them “Blonde Hottie,” “Bridgett Wanna Bang,” “Britney Miami Call Her,” “Britney Platinum Blonde,” and my personal favorite, “Britney Canada Whore.” Brody hints that he would give up all those Britneys if Lauren would only give him “some sort of… I dunno,” but she’s too stubborn to ask, and it looks like they’ll remain in limbo.

Next week: Season finale!

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