I’m Ready to Discuss Carole Baskin’s Flower Crowns

This whole flattening of the curve begets a lot of screen time, which isn’t all bad. And so, on the seventh day of quarantine (or something), Netflix looked down upon us helpless and disgruntled plebs and said: Unleash the tiger show. These losers are ready.

And ready we were. I consumed all seven spellbinding hours of Tiger King in one (1) sitting. I know I’m not alone.

The show is wild, and not just because of the prowling pussies. It’s a convulsion of emotions, complex layers, mullets, meth, chunky highlights, whodunnit conspiracies, country twang and, of course, flower crowns.

every time I think I’ve finally adjusted to Tiger King’s chaos it punches me in the face pic.twitter.com/bxDKlKsFnl

— JP (@jpbrammer) March 25, 2020

4 reasons why Carole has a bone for flower crowns, a very important investigation

1. To maintain a child-like, angelic innocence despite being an (alleged) murderer

Look, I’ll just come out and say it: I’m Team Joe Exotic on this theory. Carole killed her husband and fed him to tigers likely did her missing millionaire husband dirty by committing schmurder. Her sweet, sing-song-y voice and save-the-animals persona seem like a ploy, as if she’s making up for something dark (read: murder). The rotating floral crowns (she has a bunch, keep up!) further her angelic-seeming essence to lure people to her side. I have on good authority that Peta loves a flower moment.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, mostly because I can’t argue without crying, but I am a human with eyes and ears, and her whole schtick seems like it’s manipulation station with a 100% chance of hot and cold spells. The fact that she’s a Gemini only furthers my theory. (If you’d like in-depth proof of my findings, please look in your butt.) Of course, the documentary’s editing can cleverly sway situations, but I saw it a few times: Carole was sweet and nice—spacey and childlike even—until she wanted to crush someone. Namely, Joe Exotic. Without the flower crown, you would *only* see her mean side.

2. To trick the tigers into thinking she is Mother Earth incarnate

Easy, this is a move to waft some maternal essence to the large-and-in-charge cats taking up residence at her Floridian sanctuary. We already know that she’s partial to all things cat-print (despite being allergic to felines L-O-L), so by donning some leopard print on the bottom and bulky blooms on her noggin, she’s projecting the image of matriarchy. The cats see that flower crown and they know that she is their creator and provider. Which, along with her hoard of volunteers and entrance-fee dollars, is not incorrect.

3. To be an eternal Snapchat filter 

Carole is no stranger to the social media. Her catch phrase “Hey, all you cool cats and kittens…” has taken our feeds by storm. It was noted several times (by friends and foes alike) in the docu-series that she is a wiz on the socials, and it tracks. She’s now grown accustomed to fun face filters, and honestly, if I could live my life with purple buds dancing around my face at all times just for shits and giggs, I would sign up, too. Carole has levelled up on all of us and is living her best Snapchat life IRL now.

4. She’s not-so-low-key obsessed with ‘Chella

But the most likely reason of all? Her loins (and maybe lions) ache for a music fest filled with animal print, flower crowns, photo ops and a chance to drop some MDMA. Everyday is Coachella when you trike around in a floral crown with a spacey air about you, no?

But, it’s also a flex. She has BPE (Big Pussy Energy) from everyone putting her and her good deeds on a pedestal. Only those with BPE can wear a flower crown to the get groceries like it’s an Apple Watch or a plain white tee.

Tune in next week for our deep dive on the evolution of Joe Exotic’s mullet and sparkly shirt collection. JKJK…maybe.