Zoolander returns! After yesterday’s Valentino show, we’re revisiting the film’s best moments

Photography by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images
Photography by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

By this time next year, we’ll have seen Zoolander 2.

That’s right: 14 years after the release of the greatest fashion movie ever made, Paramount has announced its follow-up and promised that on February 12, 2016, Derek Zoolander and Hansel will return in movie form.

Of course, they’ve already made their fashion comeback, as stars Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson dominated the Valentino runway at Paris Fashion Week yesterday, putting all models and regular human beings to shame (naturally). Walking to ’80s anthem “Don’t You Want Me,” Derek and Hansel strided confidently—naturally, beautifully—which of course made us answer: yes, we do.

So we’re using yesterday’s show and the impending sequel to revisit the original and sing the praises of everything Zoolander has ever given us.

1. “A Center for Ants?!”

The man had a vision, which is why Zoolander wanted no part in plans for The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good. After all, how are kids supposed to learn to read if they can’t even fit inside the building? And personally, why would we build a building for ants when it would just enable them to rise up and rebel against us, anyway?

Derek Zoolander saved us all.

2. “I’m not your brah.”

Come for the dere-lick, stay for Billy Zane’s shapely eyebrows. And not to say I know anything about the alleged Cara Delevingne/Naomi Campbell fight, but if it ever goes down again again, all we can hope is that they model (all puns intended) a cinematic rivalry so charged there’s no question that all involved are loco.

3. 2001: A Technological Odyssey

In their defense, using a turn-of-the-century-era Mac would prompt the same reaction in all of us. But instead of losing their cool (nay, instead of being like the machine) Zoolander and Hansel remained grounded in their humanity, effectively giving us a moment that would’ve made Stanley Kubrick himself weep tears of joy.

4. One look (to rule them all)

Not to get too emotional, but what Zoolander offers is not a look, it’s a lifestyle—a lifesaver. A way of life. Because unlike those nestled safely in their comfort zones, Derek dared to turn left. And because he did, he saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

5. Familial disgrace

This one goes out to anyone who’s ever worked in any industry that your family just doesn’t get. And I say that because in this moment, Derek Zoolander was one of us: thirsty for the affections of blood relatives who don’t get why you’d want to work in a field they want nothing to do with. Or, even more realistically: ignored and/or shunned by Vince Vaughan. (Which I’m sure has happened to at least one person reading this.)

6. The walk-off

Without it, this week’s reunion would never have happened. But instead, we basked in the glory of Derek and Hansel where and how they belong: front and centre, in the spotlight, head to head, step by step, stare by stare, and goddamn glamorous. If this isn’t fashion, I don’t know what it is. It’s why all of us are even here.

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