True Blood Recap: We take wardrobe cues from Bill and Eric’s death harnesses, Pam and Salome’s seductive robes and a…contortionist

So last week we totally thought Eric and Bill were both going to meet the true death at the hands of the Authority, and Tara was going to kill Sookie and Lafayette and the show would just be about Pam, Sam and Terry the rest of the season. No, we did not think that at all, but that’s basically the gist of episode two’s danger scale. Will anyone die this week? Nope, but there is lots of sex, which is way better.

Roman’s Empire
– Back at the bloodsucker boardroom, the chancellors loudly debate what to do with Bill and Eric for not ending Edgington. That little kid chancellor makes us think of those Frosted Mini Wheats commercials where adults who love fibre turn into kids who love sugar—his suit should fit too big or something.
– Roman kicks the squabblers out and gives a speech about Russell being a martyr that will give the Sanguinista movement more momentum, so he needs to be stopped.
– Bill promises to catch Russell or die trying (Eric is, uh, silent). Roman dismisses them for his next meeting with the “new Nan Flan” who is… Steve Newlin. Who else would it be?
– Roman and Steve talk strategy. Steve thinks humans will buy anything he sells. Roman puts his cockiness in check: they’re not just talking meat, they’re vamp ancestors. More talk of Sanguinistas bad, Authority good. We feel like we could teach a theology course on vampires by this point: The Rise of Modern Vampirism.

Read through the rest of our recap »

Tara Watch
– We hope Sookie doesn’t expect that silver spray to save her from a vamp attack, because it took Tara less than a minute to heal and start tripping the vamp out.
– Sookie goes to Fangtasia to beg Pam to summon Tara. Pam cares about Sookie’s problem about as much as if Sookie had asked for her sweatsuit back.
– Tara heads to her safe house, Merlotte’s, after almost giving in to urges and draining broke-down side ponytail girl.
– Once again Sookie and Lafayette are cleaning up her house—she should really start a cleaning company with the efficiency she must be developing. They discuss how worried they are about Tara and wonder where she went to ground.
– Tara guzzles Tru Blood and spits venom about Sookie and Lafayette to Sam (but doesn’t tell him how she got turned) before doing the sunrise pass out.
-At Merlotte’s, Sam tries lying to Sookie’s boobs about where Tara is but she reads his mind. (Aside: not sure why we’re noticing this just now, but Sam’s office looks like a hunting lodge.)
– Tara wakes up and once again confirms she hates everyone, Sookie, Lafayette and now Sam, letting everyone in on the fact that Sooks and LaLa were the ones responsible for her fanged state.

Pam’s guide to Fangtasia-appropriate accessories
This week, current-day Pam shows big jewellery some love with an oversized cross necklace like this one from Marianna’s ($50,, a jewellery designer whose pieces are regularly used on the show.

Sympathy Sex
– Once again, Bill and Eric are in matching outfits (remember their robes from last year’s finale?) and we’re sure Eric is happy—guy loves tracksuits.
– We get treated to some chest time as Deb from Napoleon Dynamite fits them with tracking device harnesses (dubbed the “iStake”) that can stake them by just the tap of a phone app. Better hope she doesn’t butt dial, boys.
– Bill is brought to Salome in some warehouse area of HQ and we’re caught up on who this lady is in history, but she says that her sexy/bloody rep is just gossip and gives us the real scoop on how she lost her virginity to her uncle. Sounds like something straight out of Hot Shot.
– Bill is turned on by her sad story because he loves those; she flatters him further by talking about his ambition and humanity and heart, which turns him on even more.
– He proves to her she can trust him by having sex with her (of course). Maybe Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” song was really about vampire trust?

Salome’s guide to what to wear to seduce Bill
Since she hasn’t had alone time with Bill, she puts in some real effort with an expensive-looking sequin and lace gown. We’re sure Salome doesn’t buy off the rack, but if she did this Pamella Roland gown ($6,495, would totally be something she’d wear (or hike up and have sex in).

– More flash-Pam-backs! She’s offering up her girls to Eric—there’s even a contortionist Chinese gal—but Eric wants one-on-one time with Pam. She hesitates; is he the one killing her girls?
– Meanwhile, Bill and Lorena are about to drain a hooker (and we mean she’s that literally, not in the Lafayette way) until Pam spies them and Eric busts in and throws Lorena (who is in a delicate, light pink with grey trim corset and matching skirt slip) across the room.
– Lorena knows Eric, but this is the first time Bill and Eric have ever met—little did they know they’d be in matching tracksuits a hundred years later.
– Bill wants to fight, but Lorena steps in. Pam and her hair scrunchy demand $500 for every girl they drained (which we think is like $13,000 today).
– As Bill takes his leave, the look he gives Eric is about as menacing as a teen pop star. And his hair is really 1905 Bieber.
– That done, Pam wants to get it on and Eric waltz-makeouts with her.

Rubber Ruby’s guide to lingerie you can contort in
All Pam’s other tricks wear corsets, but Ruby needs to be able to show off her moves, so she gets a cute onesie like this Stella McCartney playsuit ($141, that we’d wear even though we’re more like Stiffer Stacy, Ruby’s sister who can barely get her leg up to 90 degrees.

Fanny Talk
– Arlene, who appears to be wearing a blue bra under her Merlotte’s tee (classy!), tells Terry she loves him and he needs to tell her what’s going on or else.
– Terry has on a Knight Rider-esque leather jacket and she’s got a sea foam fanny pack on, so we can’t take the moment seriously and are wondering if we’re in some other flashback.
– Terry says he’s going off on a secret mission with Patrick, and Arlene says he better not expect her to wait for him in the meantime. He leaves. Cue tears. Hopefully there’s some tissue in her hipsack.

Arlene’s guide to supplemental body storage
Guess that apron doesn’t leave enough room for all the dollah bills Arlene must make at Merlotte’s, or maybe the mall in Shreveport just got an Urban Outfitters, but either way this Ecote studded fanny pack ($30, sure is a craz-mazing thing for her to wear.

Fanny Talk Part 2
– Andy gets teased at work for the butt photo Holly’s boys posted to Facebook. (Someone should start a campaign for him and Holly to go on vacation like the bus supervisor lady who was bullied.)
– Debbie Pelt’s parents show up to talk about their missing daughter with the sheriff and then go see Alcide to tell him she’s missing.
– He’s all, “I abjured her,” and they have a colossal WTF-attack about him doing that.
– Based on the Pelt’s pointy faces and boring clothes, they’re jerks who of course had no clue their daughter dressed like a Mötley Crüe groupie and hit the V so hard.
– Andy is doing due diligence and questioning Sookie using a glamour shot of Debbie. Sookie doesn’t let anything slip about skinning her a Pelt.
– Andy shows Holly the butt shot and she’s apologetic. He uses it as an in to ask Holly to be his sweetheart. (Cute!) They talk their individual baggage, but haven’t they noticed that everyone in their town has seriously weird issues so they should really consider themselves pretty light in the luggage department?

Holly’s guide to wearing your Wicca
After all that stuff that happened between the witches and the vamps last season, we’re guessing Holly’s jewellery has some kind of protection spell on it. Or maybe it’s just a love talisman like this Eternal Love charm necklace from Pyrrha ($380,—if it is, it sure worked on Andy.

Robed for our Pleasure
– At Fangtasia, Hoyt shows up in a mesh top, guyliner and some fang marks—is Hoyt self-destructing? Or does he want to become a vampire? Hmmm.
-This causes Pam to flashback to pillow talk with Eric. (We’re so grateful they didn’t show these two having sex, it would’ve felt incestuous-y.) Pam wants to be a vampire but Eric warns her off it, and she’s all, “I am going to get syphilis and die alone, don’t do that to me.”
– He doesn’t want the commitment of being a maker, but she forces him into it by slitting her wrists in a fabulous crepe de chine robe. (Girls, don’t try that on your boyfriends when they won’t commit, it doesn’t work the same—we promise.)
– In the present, Eric visits Salome in her boudoir—she’s wearing a robe that’s all satin and ostrich feathers and we’d bet she stole it from Ginger Rogers. They drink some blood and Salome reveals she knows Nora is his sister.
– She doesn’t understand why Eric isn’t fighting harder to save Nora but thinks it’s because he’s had his heart broken recently.
– More trust talk. (What is this, a work retreat where everyone does trust falls?) So she takes off her clothes and says she wants to be his friend (or his rebound). We’re guessing he goes ahead and does the “trust fall” with her.

Eric’s guide to robe expectations
Between Pam and Salome, Eric must be a connoisseur of ladies’ robes. We wish he’d tell us where to get both of these, because they’re beautiful. The closest we found to Pam’s was on Etsy.

Not-So-Hot for Teacher
– Jason is contemplating pickles (no, that’s not a euphemism) when he runs into his old teacher Ms. Steeler who looks like the prostitute Lana from Risky Business who has sex with a teenaged Tom Cruise, which obvs is what teach did with Jason. (In reality, the actress played Anna Draper on Mad Men, FYI.)
– Over tea, she says she thinks what happened between them (Mary Kay Letourneau­–type stuff) when he was young was wrong.
– He seduces her to prove he enjoyed the extra credit, but then has sex remorse and makes her feel bad about the teen loving she’s done.
– Jessica is shopping at Tracy’s Togs for one-sleeved dresses and defending Jason against Tracy, calling him the town bicycle when an Orlando Bloom look-alike comes in. Jessica gets a whiff and yells how awesome he smells and he takes off when he sees her fangs.
– She finds his Volkswagen Beetle (there’s no way that car went faster than a vampire) abandoned in a field that smells of him and she euphorically frolics.
– Jessica shows up at Jason’s, horny from the smell. But he’s not interested in making out. He needs to watch some Oprah because of his emotional hole, so Jessica offers to put on some sweats and listen to his problems.

Jessica’s guide to shoplifting from Tracy’s Toggs
Until Jessica came along, Bon Temps seemed to be populated with only hillbillies and good, honest church folk. She’s managed to find co-eds and a store that sells clothes we’ve never seen anyone but Ginger don. How does Tracy stay in business? Want your own peach number to show off your peaches? Try this sexy sorbet-hued mini-dress ($70, that looks Jessica- and Tracy-approved.

The Final Five Minutes
– Bill and Eric compare Salome stories and are perplexed about what she might want (besides sex with two hot dudes). There’s some talk of sloppy seconds—Bill saves Eric’s delicate, recently hurt ego by claiming he got round two.
– Roman goes to a still-naked Salome’s bedroom and she confirms B&E aren’t Sanguinista, but he’s doubtful, especially because a once-trustworthy Nora confessed to being a Sanguinista when the Texan lady interrogated her. We think Nora would admit to anything under the torture of—not the silver drip, but—that woman’s dress. It looks like it’s made of the fabric of a Victorian funeral parlour couch.
– Salome suggests trying a change of course and Roman strips and tells her to chill. They make out.
– Arlene passes judgment through the pass-through at Lafayette, which gives him the rage and he turns into that freaky brujo mask and pours bleach into the gumbo. (This is faulty evil logic, as Arlene didn’t order the gumbo to eat herself.)
– He manages to shake himself out of it, though, before anyone is hurt. (We think the bleach may have more to do with all the cleaning Sookie is making him do.)
– Alcide is pissed that Sookie didn’t tell him about Tara, and she caves and confesses to killing Debbie.
– She cry-asks if he’s going to let her secret out (as in, tell the sheriff), but he’s busy punching his truck (which is “actor” for really, really angry and frustrated).
– Tara heads to a tanning salon (appropriately named Curl Up & Fry) to Jersey Shore herself to death. As she sizzles, Pam feels her pain and rolls her eyes, like: “Ugh, fake tanning, really?” We feel the same way about the skin cancer risks, Pam.

Alcide’s guide to a plaid jacket for work and raging
Listen, maybe this seems like too much symbolism, but Alcide seems to have some jealousy issues with Sook, so it seems appropriate that his very Woolrich-ian plaid jacket ($245, would be greenish in hue.

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.

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