SNP’s word of the day: Republicants

Illustration by Lewis Mirrett

Illustration by Lewis Mirrett

Word: Republicants

Usage: “Goddess help us if any of these Republican maniacs become US President #Republicants @BruceLaBruce

Definition: According to the ever-reliable Urban Dictionary, “A group of stuck-up prudish rednecks who believe in a world where the rich get richer and everyone else is just in the way.” According to me, “Politicians I can’t believe are also human beings.”

You should know it because: CNN held its Republican GOP debate last night, and while it seemed like one of the most reasonable and least world-scale embarrassing of the approximately 12,948,653 Republican debates so far, it still feels like most of the red-state contenders are running on a platform of “who will make Jon Stewart’s job the easiest?” There’s Herman Cain, who bases his economic strategies on his favourite numbers (seriously) and who made a viral video featuring his campaign manager smoking like Sean Penn at a press conference, yet maintains a 25 per cent (!!!) approval rating; in last night’s debate he called Wolf Blitzer “Blitz” and said terrorists would “kill us all.” Newt Gingrich thinks electromagnetic pulses are the new anthrax, or something, and defends the Patriot Act by saying “all of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives.” Thanks, neighbours. Ron Paul is the hardcore libertarian who sometimes, I’ll admit, makes a frightening amount of sense. Then he describes foreign aid as “totally worthless.” Okay, you can sit down now. Rick Santorum, invoking Reagan, calls America “the shining city on a hill,” because apparently he hasn’t looked outside this year, and Michele Bachmann… I don’t know, maybe she did okay in the debate, but she’s still Michele Bachmann; when you google her, the second predictive search term is “Michele Bachmann crazy.” As for Rick Perry, I’m forgetting him on purpose. Jon Huntsman gave off a sense of “competency and reasonableness” (according to the Washington Post), and so guess what? His approval rating is lower than the current temperature, and his daughters are more famous than him.

The point is that even if you’re not interested in American politics, how are you not totally fascinated by the existence of all these head cases on one stage? I keep waiting for the director to appear, or for the camera to shut off, for the press release announcing “Republicant, a new mockumentary from Amy Poehler and Steve Carell, coming to NBC next fall.”

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