Project Runway All Stars recap: Our feelings on Michael’s win, Miss Piggy’s karate chop, Mondo’s lollipop necklace, and Gordana’s cheerful loss

After last week’s suspiciously reasonable challenge, I worried about what the All Stars were going to have to reckon with next time around. Lo, my instincts proved accurate, for this week’s challenge must be one of, if not the most, spirit-crushing challenges in Project Runway’s sordid history.

We chart our feelings throughout the episode »

The Horrible Thing

Create a flamboyant cocktail dress for Miss Piggy. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Why do PR contestants always think they’re going to be dressing Madonna or Lady Gaga? Don’t they know that it will always be Heidi Klum, a lippy child, or a Muppet? Despite looking mortified (Anthony), crestfallen (April), and evil (Mila), the group seems to be pretty positive, especially Michael. What’s Michael’s Deal? -5

Didn’t the Muppet movie come out, like, two months ago? Come on producers! If you’re going to go into the past, why not pick a more relevant figure like—just throwing this out there—Michael Fassbender? In fact, why not make a show called Project Fassbender? I’m not concerned about the potential challenges—I imagine they’d have something to do with taking Fassbender’s measurements over and over again to Rihanna’s We Found Love. Fassbendin’ +2

This is a surprisingly dull workroom sequence. Anthony’s not wearing his Mood shirt, but I did discover that Mondo’s lollipop necklace is manufactured by a company called Glitterlimes, which offers pendants made from rotten fruit. I Want One +5 But Also, Gleeuughh -2

“Pink is a cheerful colour,” says Gordana lugubriously. What a gem she is! Not sure about the dress, though.

There’s some drama between Mondo and Kara over gloves. I can’t really tell who’s in the wrong here—maybe they’re all just projecting? Projecting Runway, lolol.

Coles’ Corner

When Joanna Coles tells the group that she thinks this might be “the best challenge in Project Runway history,” her eyes are completely black. Don’t know what that means, just observing.

Things Joanna Coles knows about photographing celebrities for Marie Claire: sometimes they wear double Spanx and Saran wrap. Come on, Jojo! Get a roll of duct tape and take an early lunch—you just described Marc Jacobs’ Spring 2012 Ready-to-Wear collection

“How would Miss Piggy feel about wearing a giraffe print?” asks Coles solemnly. I actually moaned “COME ONNNNNNNN” at the television when she said that. Kenley chortles it off—ain’t nothing gonna break her stride.

Back at the Fla-Totel…

It’s really nice the way they all hang together in the Flatotel, laughing, and talking about indiscernible subjects, something about Oprah. Ha ha ha! It’s good to be an All Star.

Runway Day

Didn’t Michael say “I think this is the challenge where we’ll have no more Austin Scarlett” during the first garbage challenge? Didn’t he say that very exact thing? Michael! -5

Now Austin’s upset about the gloves. I can’t tell about this accessory thing… this is Neiman Marcus’ fault, this workroom strife.

I’m beginning to feel like it isn’t so much Angela Lindvall who hosts Project Runway All Stars but a humanoid Muppet in a jewel-toned dress.

Whoa, Georgina keeps getting more and more natch! Look at that loose wave; that sultry one-shouldered leopard-print muumuu. Damn +9

Kenley on her own dress: “She looks like she could go to a party!” True enough. But she could also go to a party in double Spanx and Saran wrap, amiright?

For any other challenge, Rami’s dress would be crazy. I agree with resident hottie Georgina Chapman—that dress would look great on Miss P.

The Thatcher hair was kind of alarming, but Mondo’s candy-coloured metallic dress was my favourite. Great hem, too. Glitterlimey +4

Austin declares his frock “Classic Piggy” which, I dunno, to me means rolled in a blanket and doused with spicy mustard. Austin’s pretty game, but after that hula hoop bit, he looks about ready to succumb to internal collapse.

Mila, explaining her dress: “I struggle with the ‘flamboyant’ adjective…” Mila… does… not… compute. Mila’s a Robot +10

Kenley’s so charming on the runway! Her personality is making up for her sort of ho-hum looks this season.

Eric Daman and Miss Piggy are a freaking vaudeville duo. Somewhere, Jim Henson is like “This is my legacy.”

And the winner is… Michael! Guy’s really cleaning up this season. Of course, this week’s ousted All Star is Gordana. Ah, Gordana! I will miss your somber but determined presence. I will miss the way you peer over your spectacles like a hard-working elf. Good-bye, Gordana, good-bye! Still Don’t Really Get Michael, Does That Make Me a Bad Person? -5

This episode was all about how the producers of Project Runway want the show to be about showcasing talent and skill and design savvy, but they also want it to be about setting these talented, innocent, and occasionally craisin-faced (Mila) All Stars to a task that would make someone like me tremble and mewl at the bottom of an escalator. Austin turned out a well-constructed dress with some unbecoming details, but more importantly, spent the latter half of the episode wearing a mysterious chapeau that even Wikipedia’s exhaustive list of hats couldn’t help me name. The closest thing was maybe a chupalla with a bit of uptown flair? Incidentally, I also discovered that Mondo’s cycling cap is called a casquette. Goddamnit Wikipedia, I’m glad your blackout’s over.

Next week, the All Stars are eating ice cream. WHAAAAAA?

Total: +23 (which seems a little high, admittedly)

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