Girls Recap: Marnie gets pathetic in a cubbie, Jessa man-eats while Shoshanna watches and Hannah proves that she is really unfit for any and all paying jobs

Last week’s episode ended with a well-executed vengeance song that made us wish our friends’ boyfriends were in bands so we could get them to sing pages of our diaries. There was also a former camp counselor that refused to do a kitchen raid on Shoshanna’s virginity and Jessa lost her charges but gained some Jeff sympathy. This week delightfully picked back up at Marnie and Hannah’s apartment and showed us the further destruction created by the latter’s diary. It also gave us a glimpse into Charlie’s apartment that is as neat and organized and boring as we imagine the inside of his head to be. But most importantly, we had a sexual harassment stand-off between Hannah and her boss that we’re sure she wanted to sound like Disclosure but came out more Nine to Five.

So. Many. Problems. »

Girls Problem: Forget her friend’s breakup, Hannah wants to workshop her writing.

First off, Hannah wants to be sure that Charlie and Marnie understand she’s a writer, not a “13-year-old girl who rides horses and is obsessed with her mom”—she’s not reading from a journal, these are notes. Hannah might not be writing about horses, but we’re sure there’s something about her mom in there. Marnie wasn’t into giving feedback but Hannah, we will. While we really liked the image of: “stuck in a prison of his kindness,” we think you need to expand on: “he’ll find someone else, someone who appreciates his kind of smothering love.” How about some examples of what makes his brand of love “smothering” to strengthen your thesis? Hannah, didn’t your writing prof give you the clichéd advice “show, don’t tell”?

Ten Years From Now: In 10 years we hope she’s still journaling (or notebooking, whatevs) so someday her daughter can find it and learn something about her mom and herself in the process. (That’s a reference to Tiny Furniture, Dunham’s 2010 feature—watch it if you haven’t!)

Girls Problem: Marnie wants her boyfriend back.

How great is Marnie’s solution for how to get Charlie back? Just put on a party dress and her sorry face. We learn that self-involved Marnie has never been to Charlie’s apartment and when we see said apartment we get why: it looks like a one-room preschool complete with cubbies for shoes and toys, plus a bunk bed for nap time. Then we’re gifted with an unnecessary flashback of the Oberlin gang getting down to Scissor Sisters at a Galactic Safe Sex Party. It’s like we’re in a Bret Easton Ellis novel—all we’re missing is Sean Bateman making out with Jessa. (Or is Jessa actually the Sean Bateman sociopath of this group?) Flashback over and all we’re rewarded with is the “duh” moment where Charlie admits to watching porn and Marnie doesn’t get why. For two people who share a vibrator, we’re surprised porn hasn’t been introduced at some point to their “love-making.” Her big get-back-together pitch boils down to them ignoring she doesn’t love him and having sex to seal the deal. As he coos into her neck he seals his own fate—trapped in a bunk bed prison of his kindness, she breaks up with him.

Ten Years From Now: Marnie will probably always remember their meet-cute/meet-high moment because there are so few in life.

Girls Problem: Hannah doesn’t have any office skills.

She may not know how to break down a box but she sure knows how to seduce her boss. Hold up, no she don’t. Rich telling her she’s being inappropriate is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, but the kettle in this case is extremely clueless and the pot in this case is coming off as the smarter of the two. Despite being an old guy who owns many wood paneled filing cabinets and an abundance of office plants, Rich calls her out with an on point and rather hip assessment: Hannah’s not going to go through with her threat because there’s no suing app on her iPhone.

Ten Years From Now: There will be an app for litigation. Heck, 10 months from now there will probably be an app for that.

Girls Problem: Jessa is an evil maneater.

Some of you may not see this as a problem, per se, but let me make my case. Her man-eating is partly to blame for her strained relationship with Marnie, who doesn’t trust her because of her past boyfriend-stealing. And it looks like it’s going to cause some issues at her workplace too. Instead of sleeping with her ex, a good friend would be trying to get him to talk to his Gillian-with-a-hard-G about giving her friend Hannah a job at her small press publishing house. Man-eating aside, another sign Jessa is evil: she pairs sheepskin boots with a chiffon dress for her stroll through the park (and memory lane) with her ex.

Ten Years From Now: Jessa will still enjoy wrapping guys around her finger. Who wouldn’t?

Girls Problem: You share a studio apartment and you’re stuck there when your roommate bursts in to engage in sex.

What else is there to do when your cousin-roommate explodes through the door and jumps straight into having sex, but hide? Then, when you’re found out and get called a perv by your crazy cousin who’s still on a high from her conquest, what to say? It’s not like they’re your parents, don’t feel icky Shoshanna, and Jessa did keep her dress on rather demurely. But do take this live sex show as a lesson about sex, and maybe watch some porn, learn some moves; it will make that whole first time seem less scary. (Like when your dentist explains where he’ll be drilling and how you’ll smell burnt hair but that’s just your tooth getting turned to dust.)

Ten Years From Now: Shoshanna will be one of those housewives that insists her friends read whatever the 50 Shades of Grey equivalent is in the future.

Girls Problem: Hannah can’t keep a job; doesn’t realize Adam is not the person she should see for an exit interview.

Just like the last time she quit a gig, Hannah goes round to Adam’s to get some sympathy unemployment sex. What can we say about Hannah and Adam’s exchange? At times he makes sense, and it’s clear he listens to what she says and is sensitive enough to say he doesn’t want to hurt her anymore. But he has this tendency to talk around things while Hannah only understands if someone is being direct, because she’s so bad at picking up signals you’d think she was a cell phone in a horror movie. Like the HPV chat, her confusion pushes her to lash out at Adam, telling him she almost had sex with her boss. His response is to masturbate in front of her (obviously). Her attempt at extorting her boss didn’t work out, but she gets a second chance at it with Adam. Her conversation with her boss showed her to be out of her depth, while the role play with Adam weirdly allows her to get her power back. Was that Adam’s intention? Or was he trying to show her what she’s missing out on by trading hook-ups for feelings?

Ten Years From Now: Adam might be right with his assessment, too—Hannah may have to come to the realization that she’s not set out for a job in the traditional sense. If Hannah doesn’t become a writer though, we’re sure 10 years from now she’ll be a cool English teacher who lets her students swear and write poetry about pubic hair. (I had one of those, so trust me, I can spot one.)

Girls airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. on HBO Canada. Tune in for our recap next week, where we’re sure the girls of Girls will continue to wear dresses that they won’t take off during sex.