Episode Two: Big Girls Don’t Cry

Previously on The Hills: Heidi knows what she did!

We open at an outdoor café, where Spencer and Heidi (I refuse to call them Speidi, thank you) are talking home decoration. Spencer vetoes Heidi’s suggestion of light yellow walls with an obnoxious error buzzer sound that is still preferable to 90 per cent of what comes out of his mouth.

After the opening credits, we join Lauren and Audrina at home. Audrina is doing her makeup and Lauren is torturing a poor defenseless kitten by dressing it in a tiny sweater. The girls discuss Justin, a prince of a guy who once abandoned Audrina in Vegas and who’s taking her out on a date that very evening. Lauren doesn’t like the sound of that.

Heidi and Spencer’s. Heidi arrives at home to find that spray-paint-wielding hoodlums have vandalized her living room! No, wait, it turns out that Spencer commissioned the graffiti as a gift after Heidi told him the apartment needed some art. Aw, a gigantic, flaming “Hollywood”–just what every girl wants! Spencer can tell Heidi’s less than thrilled, and promises to cheer her up with a romantic getaway in Santa Barbara.

Outdoor café. Audrina’s date is already seated when she arrives. He sports hair down to his shoulders, a black toque, a V-neck that shows off his chest hair, multiple gold chains, and a permanent squint. “So, I don’t get what half this stuff is,” he mumbles, staring intently at the menu.

Back at the Hillside Villas, Lauren and her friend Lo are chilling on the couch. Lauren exposits that Audrina has been gone for two-and-a-half hours already. Get used to it, Lauren; that’s simply how long it takes for Justin to decipher a menu.

The next morning, Spencer informs his pal Brody Jenner that he’s going to “pop the question” to Heidi and probably needs to borrow “a hundred thousand” for a nice ring. Brody, undoubtedly remembering that Spencer only moved in with Heidi in the first place to get her away from Lauren, is understandably disapproving of this idea, cautioning that Spencer shouldn’t get Heidi’s hopes up. “I would go marry her in Vegas right now,” Spencer asserts, but considering he said the same thing to a Playboy bunny he’d known for an hour last season, his words don’t hold much weight.

Spencer is so serious about this engagement, however, that he strolls into a jewellery store and buys the first “high-end” ring he lays eyes on, a huge pear-shaped amethyst that looks more like costume jewellery than an engagement ring. He doesn’t bother procuring a box for it, and also refuses to keep the receipt, tossing it back at the clerk and pocketing the ring on his way out. Unfortunately, Spencer won’t be needing that receipt, as Heidi agrees to marry him. Oh God, I hope they don’t stay together long enough to have kids.

Lauren heads home to Laguna Beach, where she and her mom have “the talk”–you know, the “My best friend started a rumour that my ex-boyfriend and I made a sex tape and now it’s all over Hollywood and the Internet” talk. Lauren’s mom doesn’t want her daughter to develop trust issues, reassuring her that “most people are good” and explaining that she can’t afford to get caught up in Hollywood drama. However, over the strains of Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” Lauren stares sadly at the Pacific and thinks about how horrible her life is.

Phew. That’s two episodes in a row with insanely happy endings… I don’t know if I can stand much more joy!

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