Episode 27: No Place Like Home

Heidi walks into Brent Bolthouse’s office and gets down to business. “I know that you guys have been expanding everywhere… I wanna be a part of this company as much as I can, so I would love to get my hands in there and make myself as available to you as much as I can,” she says, “especially if that means travelling or relocating.” Who wouldn’t want to give more responsibility to such an eloquent person, who’s not at all using her job as a way to escape her problems?

Bolthouse tells her that he and SBE’s owner, Sam Nazarian, are expanding the Hyde brand and that he wants Heidi to work more closely with them. “One of your jobs could be the casino in Las Vegas,” he says. “Sounds brilliant. I mean, I’m so excited,” Heidi says flatly, unable to muster even a smile.

New house. Lauren and Lo are sunbathing. Audrina exits her guesthouse and nervously approaches. She’s on her way to the studio to watch Alkaline Trio record their new album, and she invites them to drop by later. “We could be groupies for the day,” Lauren jokes. Lo scowls. “We can all do dinner afterwards or something, ’cause we haven’t really celebrated roommate-ness,” Lauren adds. Lo pouts. “All I want to do is shop,” she complains as soon as Audrina leaves.

Bolthouse. Heidi rushes to tell Kimberly about her new “project manager” job and her trip to Vegas. “I’m excited,” she says again, more believably this time. “I’m excited for you,” Kimberly says, a little less believably. “What’s Spencer gonna say?” “I don’t care,” Heidi replies, which is both the right answer and the least believable thing anyone’s said so far.

Pulse Recording studio. Audrina and Chiara enjoy the music. Lauren and Lo drop by and watch the band perform half of a song (more accurately, Lauren watches as Lo texts on her phone) before Lo’s had enough. “I’m hungry,” she stage-whispers to Lauren. These two are joined at the hip nowadays, so Lauren leaves with her. “They were here for five seconds,” Chiara remarks. Audrina looks hurt.

Luckyfish sushi restaurant. “I think Audrina wanted us to stay the entire time,” Lauren says. “I just feel bad.” She proposes that they buy her a “Chateau Audrina” sign for her house. “Yeah,” Lo says, not even glancing up from her food. “I hope she doesn’t, like, just stay back there,” Lauren continues. Lo could not possibly be less interested, but Lauren presses on: “I feel like it might be a little bit different now that you live in there.” This gets Lo’s attention. “It’s a different dynamic beacuse we’ve been best friends since we were little,” she says. “Oh well.”

Heidi’s apartment. Heidi tells Steph about her new job. “You can’t tell [Spencer]. You can’t tell him at all,” Heidi says. Right, because Steph has such a great track record when it comes to keeping secrets!

New house. “I can’t believe we got a puppy. She’s so cute,” Lauren says. Chloe, a lab/shepherd mix, is indeed adorable. I hope she lasts longer than that chihuahua Heidi got in Season One! Audrina enters the house. “Look at what we did!” Lo exclaims, holding up the pup. “We got her from the shelter,” Lauren explains. Audrina sits down and coos over the puppy. It’s a nice bonding moment, so of course Lo ruins it. “In puppy daycare, she’s gonna be like, ‘I have two mommies,’” she says pointedly. Audrina’s face falls. Lauren watches, concerned, as Audrina gets up and silently exits.

Steph’s apartment. Steph cleans up a mess Spencer left in the kitchen as he lounges on the couch playing with his iPhone. “Spencer, stop with the phone. I’m sick of this,” Steph says. “I’m sick of you. What’s your point?” Spencer replies. “This is my life, and you’re invading my space, and I want you to leave today,” Steph says. “I cannot wait to leave and get out of your life,” Spencer snarls, “because the fact that you even talk to L.C. makes me wanna have nothing to do with your life, ’cause it makes me think how pathetic you really are.” Steph doesn’t cry this time. “You’re calling me pathetic, Spencer?” she says. “You’re living on my couch. Heidi doesn’t want anything to do with you—” “I’m not listening. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-go-away,” Spencer interrupts, in a dazzling show of maturity. “I will be gone by the end of the day. Get out of my face.”

New house. Audrina enters enemy territory to see if the coast is clear. The house is empty, so she invites Justin in. “Do you ever even come in this house?” Justin asks. Audrina says that it’s been awkward. “That’s not good. It shouldn’t be like that,” Justin says reasonably. He tells her that if she’s not getting the respect she deserves, she should see some other places. “Maybe I will,” Audrina says.

Private jet. Sam, Brent and Heidi discuss her personal life, because they’re all insanely professional like that. “Is [Spencer] gonna lose his mind when he finds out that you’re in Vegas?” Sam asks. “I don’t think so,” Heidi replies, because she has apparently completely forgotten what Spencer is like.

Spencer goes to Heidi’s apartment and lets himself in (dear Heidi: CHANGE THE LOCKS). When he realizes that Heidi is gone, he leaves Steph a concerned message, then sits sadly on the couch, staring around the empty room.

Shown: The Hills’ Heidi Montag. MTV.ca

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