Episode 15: With this ring…

We only have a few episodes left, so Heidi thinks it’s high time that she and Spencer set a date for their big fancy church wedding. “I say we elope to Cabo,” Spencer suggests. Heidi’s not impressed. “I can’t believe we’re still fighting about this… I didn’t even think guys really cared,” she says. “I don’t,” Spencer replies. Heidi ignores this gigantic red flag and focuses on the semantics: “So let me do what I want, if you don’t care.” Defeated, Spencer agrees that she can handle everything from here on out. “Just tell me what day to be there. I’ll wear a suit.”

Gym. Lauren, Audrina and Whitney train with Jarett (you may remember he and his thrift-store-loving friend Derek from episode six’s boring double date). Lauren wants to go to a sports bar called Big Wangs (I wrote and deleted several terrible jokes about that name; consider yourselves lucky), and Whitney invites Jarett along.

Café, post-training session. Lauren, Audrina and Whitney do lunch and discuss Whitney’s upcoming date. Yes, you read that right: They do not once even allude to Lauren or Audrina’s crazy personal life. Whitney, unused to being the center of attention, blushes and tries to act like the date’s no big deal. “You’re excited,” Lauren teases.

Humongous church. Heidi drags Spencer through the doors and up to a pastor. What happened to Heidi planning everything on her own? And isn’t she afraid Spencer will burst into flames the second his feet touch holy ground? Spencer’s probably wishing he would when the pastor informs our lovely couple that the church’s wedding package includes mandatory pre-marital counseling.

Big Wangs. Jarett and Whitney (clothed in a short pink dress that has no place in a sports bar) play pool. Whitney misses an easy shot. Jarett successfully makes his shot, and she laughs. “Jarett, you said you weren’t very good!” He kindly refrains from pointing out that he’s only good compared to her, and invites her on a second date. “Let me give you a one-on-one session first,” he says. “Something that will really kick your ass.” Ooh, sounds dirty.

Turns out Jarett’s invitation was not barely-disguised sexual innuendo–he actually meant a literal workout. He and Whitney hike to the top of Runyon Canyon, and he watches as she does jumping jacks and air punches. I guess this is romantic to a trainer, as he asks her out for drinks that evening.

Heidi and Spencer’s. “I’m definitely wearing a crown,” Heidi announces as she rifles through bridal magazines. Spencer rolls his eyes, but doesn’t argue with that or with her suggestion of china with their names on it. You know, I was joking about that lobotomy back in recap eight, but now I’m starting to wonder.

Date! Jarett pulls out Whitney’s chair for her and compliments her outfit. He asks her lots of questions, always a good tactic… or it would be, if he actually gave her time to answer them! “What’s your sign?” he blurts midway through her explanation of why she doesn’t spend much time in Hollywood. He also says “Cheers” a good six times.

Heidi arrives at home to find Spencer in his usual spot on the couch, with luggage all over the floor. “We’re going to Las Vegas to get married,” Spencer informs her. “I really hope you’re kidding with this,” Heidi replies. Spencer plays dumb (not difficult), so she clarifies: “I don’t want to elope… I want our family and friends to be there. I’m sick of these surprises.” If Spencer thinks a wedding is too much of a hassle, she says, then maybe they need to think about things some more. She takes off her ring and places it on the table. Spencer grabs it and his bag and leaves the apartment. Now’s your chance, Heidi! Change the locks!

Café. Whitney and Lauren perform a date post-mortem, which mostly involves critiquing Jarett’s outfit (his tight shirt was good, but Whitney wasn’t feeling the shoes). Whitney detected a comfortable friend vibe (there was no kissing!), but he did ask her out again.

Heidi and Spencer’s, the next morning. A contrite Spencer arrives, bearing roses, and actually apologizes! “I’m so sorry that I did not respect your need to have the wedding of your dreams,” he says. “I wanna do whatever in the world makes you happy, forever, and I love you.” Forget the lobotomy; I’m beginning to think Spencer is a robot. It would certainly explain the monotone and lack of contractions in his speech, not to mention his complete inability to display emotion. Think about it.

More Celebrity