The Most Bizarre Items in the Oscars’s $100,000 Gift Bag
The swanky swag ranges from OTT to WTF.
With dwindling ratings, a diversity problem, questionable show-cutting decisions and the inability to find an unproblematic host, movie lovers and industry insiders have begun to question: do the Oscars even matter anymore? The nominees, I think, would say yes—and not simply because recognition from the Academy is a great professional honour and almost always promises a bump in pay.
If you don’t walk away from the evening with a tiny gold statue, you’ll at least walk away thousands of dollars richer. Not in cash or prestige, but in the greatest currency of all: free stuff. The “Everyone Wins at the Oscars” goodie bag—which has no real association to the awards show and is put together by marketing company Distinctive Assets—is gifted to all 25 actors and directors nominated for Academy Awards, and is valued at well over $100,000.
The gift bags are a hallmark of Oscars tradition, and are as ostentatious as the ceremony itself. Included are the VIP items you’d expect from such a sparkly swag bag: a celebrity chef-prepared poolside dinner for you and your friends, a weeklong beachfront vacation at a luxury villa and, of course, personal training sessions with an LA-based celebrity trainer. However, some of the swag listed is a little more, ugh, niche. In year’s past, nominees have taken home a Robotic Hair Transplant System (worth a cool $16,000), a PulseWave Vibrator (no better way to cope with an Oscars defeat than some tear-soaked orgasms) and a Cellulite Massage Mat (perfect for three-hour long award shows).
The 2019 bags serve equally intriguing gems. Here’s what Lady Gaga, Glenn Close, Bradley Cooper and their peers will have the opportunity to take home:
PETA Agent for Animals Spy Pens
“These stealthy recording devices fit discreetly into a shirt pocket and enable compassionate crew members, actors, or anyone else on a film or television set to document animal abuse and report it,” writes the animal rights non-profit. PETA gives a shoutout to the whistleblower from the A Dog’s Purpose film for recording on-set animal abuse, claiming that “whistleblowers are crucial to exposing cruelty to animals, and we think Hollywood’s A-listers are perfect for the role.”
Bradley Cooper already has an in with the organization: the actor/director won an ‘Oscat’ Award from PETA earlier this year for directing his own dog in A Star Is Born.
Personalized stained-glass portrait by artist John Thoman
It really is too bad that Timothée Chalamet was snubbed for his supporting role in Beautiful Boy. I love a good Chalamet in Art—and I can only imagine how stunning the Call Me By Your Name star would look with the sun shining through his forehead.
Private therapy sessions with leading phobia relief expert Kalliope Barlis
I’ve heard that Emma Stone, former star of the Spiderman franchise, has a phobia of spiders. Perhaps Barlis can help.
Retailing for $279.00 USD, the “Elvie Pump makes it possible to pump on your own terms – at home, at work or on-the-go.” I wonder what the all-male nominees in the Best Director category will do with the innovative device.
A glow-in-the-dark Mister Poop Emoji Plunger
“I am more than just a pretty face! 100% Fully Functional,” proclaims the product description. Maybe we’ll see one of these cuties pop-up in a future Architecture Digest celebrity home tour. I’ll be keeping an eye out!
There are 53 items in total in the 2019 “Everyone Wins” Nominee Gift Bag. Here are the remaining 47:
- A luxury small-ship adventure to one of four options—Iceland, the Galapagos, the Amazon, Costa Rica and Panama—by International Expeditions (valued at $15,000 to $20,000 per person)
- Annual membership to the exclusive MOTA Los Angeles—a cannabis-friendly social club—along with access for three guests
- Premium A. Junod absinthe handcrafted in Pontalier, France
- 10 personal training sessions with LA-based celebrity trainer Alexis Seletzky
- Limited-edition AP4GooD designer T-shirts
- A weeklong beachfront vacation at Avaton Luxury Villas Resort in Halkidiki, Greece
- Limited-edition Blush & Whimsy color-changing lipstick
- CBD-infused anti-aging treatment by CBDRxSupreme
- Chocolatines handcrafted cocoa “jewels” such as Lemongrass Gyokuro Green Tea Emerald, Champagne Diamond, and Ginger Sake Pearl
- A farm-to-table meal for two at Flora Farms in Los Cabos, Mexico
- Deluxe Coda Signature gift box featuring cannabis edibles, topicals and concentrates
- An all-inclusive week-long stay for two at the Golden Door luxury wellness retreat in San Marcos, California
- Gluten-free, dairy-free and naturally sweeened treats from Good Girl Chocolate
- Luxury tees and sweatshirts by Happiest Tee
- High Beauty cannabis-infused skincare products
- A complete set of 15 Le Céline luxury eyelashes
- Instytutum results-driven beauty gift box, featuring Triple Action Peel, Powerful Retinol and Flawless Inner Beauty Ageless Complex, and more
- Salon-quality It’s a 10 Haircare hair dryer
- Knotty Floss dental products
- Kusshi travel makeup bag-slash-organizer
- Love Is Stronger Than Hate tote bags and customized Stars of Hope cards
- MILLIANNA fashion-inspired jewelry
- A rejuvenating Malibu weekend getaway at the 3D Wellness Retreat
- Liquid gold, antioxidant serum and gold-infused, anti-aging eye mask from MZ Skin
- Nannette de Gaspé’s reinvigorating beauty products
- Celebrity chef-prepared poolside dinner at one of Nest Seekers International ultra-luxury listings for the nominee and friends
- High-protein Salted Toffee Pretzel Crisp bars from Optimum Nutrition
- Organic Hair Care shampoo, conditioner and styling products
- One-year supply of Oxygenetix Foundation
- Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies
- Two-tier gift box of gourmet Posh Pretzels
- Rouge Maple 100% organic maple syrup and gourmet gift set
- Original artwork from Reian Williams Fine Art
- Grip-free Safety Dog Leash
- Unisex all-natural, hair-inhibiting lotion by Salix
- Soul Shropshire candles made with pure essential oils
- All-natural Southern Wicked Lemonade
- Custom fragrances by Sue Phillips of Scenterprises and a visit to New York’s first custom perfumery—The Scentarium
- The Beauty Book for Brain Cancer by Darren Tieste
- Gigantote and reusable garment bags from The Green Garmento
- Lapis lazuli bracelets from the TAPS for Hope Afghan collection
- Tru Niagen energizing dietary supplements
- Up to $30,000-worth of rejuvenating beauty treatments by New York-based Dr. Konstantin Vasyukevich
- Vida Hair Growth products
- Latest issue of WSJ. Magazine and a three-month free subscription card
- Handmade ZuZu Kim Couture Bow Tie