The Most Bizarre Items in the Oscars’s $100,000 Gift Bag

The swanky swag ranges from OTT to WTF.

With dwindling ratings, a diversity problem, questionable show-cutting decisions and the inability to find an unproblematic host, movie lovers and industry insiders have begun to question: do the Oscars even matter anymore? The nominees, I think, would say yes—and not simply because recognition from the Academy is a great professional honour and almost always promises a bump in pay.

If you don’t walk away from the evening with a tiny gold statue, you’ll at least walk away thousands of dollars richer. Not in cash or prestige, but in the greatest currency of all: free stuff. The “Everyone Wins at the Oscars” goodie bag—which has no real association to the awards show and is put together by marketing company Distinctive Assets—is gifted to all 25 actors and directors nominated for Academy Awards, and is valued at well over $100,000.

The gift bags are a hallmark of Oscars tradition, and are as ostentatious as the ceremony itself. Included are the VIP items you’d expect from such a sparkly swag bag: a celebrity chef-prepared poolside dinner for you and your friends, a weeklong beachfront vacation at a luxury villa and, of course, personal training sessions with an LA-based celebrity trainer. However, some of the swag listed is a little more, ugh, niche. In year’s past, nominees have taken home a Robotic Hair Transplant System (worth a cool $16,000), a PulseWave Vibrator (no better way to cope with an Oscars defeat than some tear-soaked orgasms) and a Cellulite Massage Mat (perfect for three-hour long award shows).

The 2019 bags serve equally intriguing gems. Here’s what Lady Gaga, Glenn Close, Bradley Cooper and their peers will have the opportunity to take home:

Image courtesy of PETA

PETA Agent for Animals Spy Pens

“These stealthy recording devices fit discreetly into a shirt pocket and enable compassionate crew members, actors, or anyone else on a film or television set to document animal abuse and report it,” writes the animal rights non-profit. PETA gives a shoutout to the whistleblower from the A Dog’s Purpose film for recording on-set animal abuse, claiming that “whistleblowers are crucial to exposing cruelty to animals, and we think Hollywood’s A-listers are perfect for the role.”

Bradley Cooper already has an in with the organization: the actor/director won an ‘Oscat’ Award from PETA earlier this year for directing his own dog in A Star Is Born.

Image courtesy of JSJ Stained Glass

Personalized stained-glass portrait by artist John Thoman

It really is too bad that Timothée Chalamet was snubbed for his supporting role in Beautiful Boy. I love a good Chalamet in Art—and I can only imagine how stunning the Call Me By Your Name star would look with the sun shining through his forehead.

Private therapy sessions with leading phobia relief expert Kalliope Barlis

I’ve heard that Emma Stone, former star of the Spiderman franchise, has a phobia of spiders. Perhaps Barlis can help.

Image courtesy of Elvie

World’s first silent wearable breast pump by Elvie Pump

Retailing for $279.00 USD, the “Elvie Pump makes it possible to pump on your own terms – at home, at work or on-the-go.” I wonder what the all-male nominees in the Best Director category will do with the innovative device.

Image courtesy of misterpoop.com

A glow-in-the-dark Mister Poop Emoji Plunger

“I am more than just a pretty face! 100% Fully Functional,” proclaims the product description. Maybe we’ll see one of these cuties pop-up in a future Architecture Digest celebrity home tour. I’ll be keeping an eye out!

There are 53 items in total in the 2019 “Everyone Wins” Nominee Gift Bag. Here are the remaining 47: