10 Beauty Products With Names So Sexy They’re Basically NSFW

You know what’s sexy? Suggestively-named (*wink*) beauty products. At least according to the companies that make them.

And who says they’re wrong? Who says that tossing on Essie’s “After Sex” nail polish following a generous application of Soap & Glory’s Glow Job lotion isn’t the making of Valentine’s Day magic? Maybe OCC’s “Hoochie” and “NSFW” Lip Tar can truly help us bring our sexy dreams to light. Perhaps even enough BareMineral’s “Sex Kitten” eyeshadow can help us channel our own inner sex ki– no. I can’t. I can’t do this. Nothing about this is sexy at all.

I mean, how can it be? Ever since 30 Rock’s Jenna Maroney told Liz her signature lip colour was Tiger Orgasm, we officially reached maximum (beauty product-oriented) sexiness. (Just like we reached maximum Halloween-oriented sexiness when Jenna suggested dressing up as a Slutty Ear — which, for the record, is a shade of blush I would buy.)

After all, as grown-ass women we know the name of a product isn’t going to guarantee or deliver sexy results. And we also know that we’re entitled to wear whatever we want, and that anybody who doesn’t feel comfortable with our lipstick, eyeliner, or whatever else can quietly and calmly bury themselves in sand. But most importantly, we know these products aren’t serious about trying to entice customers. They can’t be. You can’t tell somebody your favourite lipstick shade is “69” like it’s a glimpse into your sex life, or scandalize the masses by using a nail polish called “Between the Sheets.” Frankly, theres’s nothing shocking about wearing makeup.

So what to make of this “sexy beauty product name” thing? Well, aside from taking Salt-n-Pepa’s advice and talking about sex, we’ve obviously hit a point where marketing and wit have ultimately become one.

Or so we’d like to think. To determine whether or not these names are actually effective, here are 10 of the biggest sexy-time-inspired beauty products, their names, what they do, and whether some of us (hello) would buy them. RIP Tiger Orgasm.