Episode Five: Rolling with the Enemy

We open at the Hillside Villas, where Lauren and Audrina are discussing (what else?) boys. Audrina plans to give Justin Bobby yet another chance, and Lauren is gloating over the fact that Brody has forsaken Spencer’s company for hers. “My, how the tables have turned,” she grins. Our sweet little Lauren actually looks quite devilish here; I almost expected to rub her hands together with glee and let slip an adorably evil laugh.

Bolthouse. What looks like the entire staff is meeting to discuss an important soccer-related event, but first, Brent Bolthouse just has to ask Heidi what’s up with Brody and Lauren hanging out again! Since when does Heidi’s boss care about her ex-best-friend’s social life?

Epic Records. Audrina helpfully recaps last week’s episode for co-worker Chiara, then compares her relationship with Justin Bobby to a roller coaster. “Roller coasters are so fun,” Chiara says unhelpfully.

Heidi and Spencer’s. I think Heidi told Spencer about Lauren and Brody hanging out, but I was too distracted by the scraggly, patchy blond hair attacking Spencer’s face to concentrate on what anyone was saying.

Club. An animated Lauren tells a story about two girls who were “full-on making out” in front of her in the bathroom, then gets drunk and invites herself to Brody’s condo for the night.

Teen Vogue! This morning, Whitney and Lauren have the complex and vitally important task of checking clothes off a list. Whitney asks Lauren if she went out last night–a completely unnecessary question, as Lauren’s Lindsay Lohan-esque rasp is always a dead giveaway that she’s hung over. Lauren recaps the previous night’s events and lets Whitney (and the audience) know that Spencer will no longer take Brody’s calls. Whitney–do I even need to say this?–is sympathetic and optimistic.

Hillside Villas. Audrina prepares for a date with Justin Bobby, and Lauren and Lo are supportive, yet concerned that J.B. still refuses to make the relationship official.

J.B. picks Audrina up… in an actual car! He takes her out to dinner, which he quickly spoils with an (as usual) incomprehensible spiel about labels and statements and society and rings on fingers screwing up a good thing. The gist of it all, as far as I could tell through all the profanity, is that he refuses to call Audrina his girlfriend and resents her friends for acting like that’s weird.

Brody calls Spencer, and Spencer actually answers this time, but only so he can berate Brody for not being loyal enough. “You are rolling around with my enemy, so that makes you my enemy,” Spencer spits before hanging up on his ex-friend. “Little bitch,” Brody mutters to himself, saving me the trouble of making up a joke for this scene.

Roosevelt pool, the next morning. Brody meets up with Lauren and co. and mock-sobs as he reports the news: “Spencer broke up with me… now I’m on the rebound!” I hadn’t noticed this before, but Brody’s actually funny, at least when he’s not whining and pouting over his broken digits.

Heidi and Spencer’s. Heidi asks for help folding towels, but Spencer is “working” and can only offer her moral support from his spot on the couch. They briefly discuss the Lauren/Brody situation, and Spencer almost looks sad. I’d feel bad for him if all of his problems weren’t either fabricated for publicity purposes or entirely his own fault.

Outdoor café. Heidi meets Jen Bunney (and her fancy new nose) for breakfast. They discuss global warming, the 2008 presidential race and animal rights. Just kidding–they actually talk about Lauren, of course. Heidi finally acknowledges the sex tape scandal, claiming that Lauren’s new best pal Brody actually started the rumors! Jen’s surprised and disappointed that so many friendships have fallen apart over the past year. She asks Heidi if she’ll ever make up with Lauren.

“It’s funny how one… it’s just funny how things happen,” Heidi says. “I don’t really care.” Jen studies Heidi’s face for a moment, then says the only wise thing I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth: “Yes, you do.”