How to Look Like Drake (You Know You Want To Know)
Everything’s coming up Drake. The man’s got a beard, dude’s flexing his abs, and he’s dropping diss tracks harsher than the one-liner Tai threw at Cher in Clueless. And so the time has come to help you become the best Drake you can be, in only a few simple steps. Gender be damned, click through to learn how to be Drake.
1. What: Aubrey-approved abs
How: 1000 crunches
It’s time to be real, just like Drake’s abs. So instead of curling up emoting more than Take Care, use logic. Start with 100 crunches. Then do 100 more. And then keep doing them until you’ve reached 1000, where you’ll feel more crunched than you’ve ever been before.
Repeat for 40 days and nights (2000 crunches a day), and give up only when you think Drake would: never. And when somebody asks what you’ve been doing differently, tell them you’ve just started eating better, offering only a casual shrug and a smirk (because anything more will feel supremely painful.)
2.What: Those arms
One look at Drake this summer, and all we can hope is that if we were to cross paths, he’d swoop down to hug us, scoop us up, and then carry us around like we tiny babies in his large and defined arms. But that can also be you. How? Lifts. And not just yourself while holding onto a bar: this is the part where you lift everything. Somebody says “Pass the salt?” You lift it up and toss it over. See an old lady struggling to reach detergent on the top shelf at the grocery store? Lift it up and into her cart. Can’t afford a new shirt? Shoplift. Asked what an elevator is in England? Duh, its a lift. Make lifting a part of your life — just like Drake obviously has. This is why his arms never get tired while writing his diss tracks: the man just lifts.
3. What: That beard
How: Grow a beard, or draw on a beard
Drake’s beard is a groomed masterpiece, the likes of which this world has never known. (Remember Riker from Star Trek: TNG? His beard is garbage compared to Drake’s now.) Close-cropped, well-shaped, and promising to be substantial should he ever choose to grow it (but he won’t, because he’s got self-control), Aubrey’s beard is the breeding ground for sophistication and everything Celine Dion songs once promised us (romance).
But to acquire it is easy.
First, if you’re a man, grow a beard exactly like this. Second, if you’re a woman and you can grow a beard, grow one exactly like this. Third, if you’re somebody who cannot grow a beard, channel the season’s eyebrow trend, and fill one in. Keep it light, keep it sensible. The years of badly-shaped, Victorian-era facial hair is over — 2015, thy name is Aubrey.
4. What: A well-shaped haircut and a well-shaped head
How: Hope for the best
To be honest, few people can capture the essence of Drake like Drizzy himself, but if you are confident and you are daring, you can try to maintain what we’ll assume is a very high maintenance haircut. (I mean, guys: we’ve never looked at Drake and thought, “Oh boy — dude needs a fresh cut.”) If your head is beautifully shaped, the world will be your playground. If it is not (and most of ours aren’t, and I’m sorry), this will be a disaster. But that’s why Drake made 6ix hats. Now that instead of facing the aesthetic choices you’ve made, you can remind yourself where you currently live or aspire to.
5. What: Killer diss tracks
How: ’90s pop culture
Nobody here is about to top “Is this your tour or your girl’s?” so instead, watch Clueless, Mean Girls, Heathers, and The Craft. Write down every mean thing they say. Then recite it to nobody because that is so unnecessarily cruel, what’s wrong with you?