True Blood recap: We take wardrobe cues from Lafayette’s angel wing earrings, Portia’s proposition dress and Crystal’s trendy hostage-taking attire
When we left Bon Temps last week, Sookie was having an awkward chat about her faerie body odor with a disoriented Eric. The Viking Vamp had just had a spell cast on him by Marnie, the witch he’d tried to drain to put a stop to her designs on dead-raising—not something the undead want people getting control over. Jason was tied to a bed in Hot Shot getting each of his 12 perfectly defined abs bitten by Crystal and Felton.
Dazed and Confused?
-Sookie, confused about Eric’s state, tries to talk sense into him and then drives off just to do the classic horror-movie pause and look back. Of course he’s right there at her window and pounces on her neck. Logic takes a vacation, and she runs into the forest.
-Sookie punches Eric to get his attention, and he calls her Snooki. What? Well, she does love to tan.
-He does know what he is (a vampire) just not who he is (a pompous babe).
-Sookie agrees to help him out of his oblivion and gives him ground rules for going back to her/his place—no touching, no biting. We seriously resent her for not including, “Never put a shirt on ever again.”
-She calls Pam, who is sucking on a grown up Val from our favourite tween movie, Brink!, while still wearing the one-shouldered disco ball from last week, and she rushes over faster than a speeding bullet (of lipstick).
Back at Camp Witchita
-Witch-boss Marnie is fine, but she has no idea how she got Eric to leave or where the spell came from. She’s as indignant about the Sheriff’s unprovoked attack as an old lady yelling at kids walking across her lawn.
-Meanwhile, Lafayette’s tripping about being on Eric Northman’s bad side. Dude did torture him, give him V to heal him, and buy him a Corvette to get him to sell V—not exactly predictable or nice.
-Tara doesn’t appreciate being involved in another fanger fracas but isn’t leaving her cousin to deal with “the vampire who still gives [him] nightmares,” despite vamps seriously freaking her shit out.
-She and Jesus try and discourage him from visiting Eric to ask for mercy.
Lafayette’s guide to mixing feminine and masculine
Go ahead and wear macho skulls and denim with softer elements like scarves and corseted, satin tops. Channel Lala’s femme swagger with a pair of these sterling silver Thomas Sabo angel wing earrings ($139, thomassabo.com)
Werepanther Bar Mitzvah
-Jason is coming of age on the hick’o’torture bed and trading in his manhood for pantherhood.
-There’s a hillbilly fireside chat about werepanther origins and nature, but it’s hard to follow with all the rotten teeth and raw-meat eating. Can nature get these people some dental coverage?
-Crystal, in poorly rolled hair curlers and a white summer dress, tends to Jason’s wounds with a butter knife and some mud. Naturally…
-She explains there’s a problem with Hot Shot babies, and they need some fresh meat, then she gives him a Mexican-made Viagra.
-Jason comes to and finds Crystal having her way with him. He’s understandably freaked and pissed, despite the way her skin seems to be glistening ever so sweetly.
-Judging by all the lady kin hanging about in pastel négligées, there’s going to be a lot more seed planting in his future. Looks like the Hot Shot Sperm Bank has its first and only donor.
Crystal’s guide to what to wear to rape your hostage ex-boyfriend
A vintage-looking cream dress, which may have been white at one time knowing Hot Shot’s hygiene practices. We doubt Crystal knows that white was big with designers for Spring ’11, but we bet she’d be one happy cat in this Alexander Wang dress. ($417, shopbop.com)
Welcome to Compton
-King Bill is sentencing a bad vamp to the true death, but we’re too distracted by Bill’s eclectically decorated office to pay attention. He loves his ancient tchotchke: an abstract Japanese-looking painting; a statue of an Egyptian pharaoh; an Oscar with its arms extended (Vampire Academy Awards?); a white, ceramic deer’s head; a headless, armless, legless figure; what looks to be a statue of Medusa; and a crystal Baccarat set that’s filled with booze not blood.
-Jessica stops by to tell him her man problems and we learn it’s been months since they’ve seen each other.
-They sit on the couch like father and daughter—you know, like if you and your dad were totally comfortable having talks about sex and sucking blood out of strangers at a nightclub.
-Bill tells her to “vamp up” and tell Hoyt the truth, but we can’t help thinking his advice sounds heavily influenced by his own Sookie-related regrets.
– Later, Bill is on a date at a swank restaurant with Portia Bellefleur. She downs her wine and proposes some adult no strings attached sex. First Natalie and Ashton, then Justin and Mila, now Bill and Portia?
Portia Bellefleur’s guide to what to wear to proposition an eligible vamp bachelor
He may have loved a Betty, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to try a Veronica—go full-on rich girl in a figure-hugging silk dress in a painterly print like this Lela Rose creation. ($1,495, net-a-porter.com)
Awkward Goodnights
-Back at Casa Stackhouse, Sookie is giving Eric a footbath (he giggles because it tickles!) when Pam bursts through the door.
-She threatens Sookie, and Eric throws her into the next room, warning her to be nice—Viking chivalry isn’t dead—though, technically, he is. Wait, did Vikings even believe in chivalry? Doesn’t seem like after you rape and pillage you’d be too concerned about opening a door for a gal.
-Pam thinks Bill is responsible for setting Eric up with the witches and tells Sookie she must hide him and tell no one.
-Sookie shows Eric to his tricked-out hidey-hole and he asks if Sookie is “his” or if she wants to be. He’s dressed in Jason’s hand-me-downs and looks like a 14-year old asking her out on a date. She firmly but politely declines, and like a horny teenage boy who’s a little over-excited, he gets stiff fangs just looking at her.
Meanwhile:
-Hoyt is on the couch hugging the zombie doll that keeps coming back from the dead (we thuthpect he had been thucking his thumb, thoo). Jessica admits her indiscretions from last week, he freaks, and then she chickens out and glamours him back to being her teddy bear. Jessica’s intense internal struggle under such soft lights brings back memories of early Sarah McLaughlin vids.
-Tommy sniffs out a new scam: seems the Fortenberry home is sitting on some natural gas. Sam is having none of it, and tells Tommy he better tell Mrs. Fortenberry or he will. Something tells us Mrs. Fortenberry would be very happy to get some cash to fund her Marie Osmond doll addiction (bet Hoyt can’t wait to inherit that collection) and have her hair “set” at the salon in the Bon Temps strip mall instead of using those pink foam rollers our gran won’t even touch.
-Marnie is praying to her new spirit friend, and she sacrifices some blood into a chalice. Where to do you buy a chalice these days? Bed, Bath and Beyond the Grave? We get a shot of the witch spirit sitting in the corner in an old-timey nightie. It could be all the buzz as of late, but vintage witch looks a tad like Kate Middleton minus the McQueen.
Tried to Make Me Go to V-hab
-Sookie goes to see a perma-sexy Alcide, who’s in his ubiquitous plaid shirt and denim.
-He picks her up off the ground in a big were hug, and then checks her butt out as she goes into the living room.
-They’re having an awkward talk about Eric, when in comes Miss V 2010, Debbie Pelt!
-She’s off the V and off the cheap miniskirts and half tops, and asks to make amends about that whole “trying to kill Sookie” thing over some Vienna sausage.
-Sookie bolts; there’s no way Eric can stay with a recovering V addict.
Sookie’s guide to a daytime look to charm a blue-collar werewolf
Don’t try to dress up too much: rolled-up denim shorts; a floral, short-sleeve cardigan; and pink-flowered espadrilles. We suggest going to the Queen of Cute Florals, Betsey Johnson. ($228, betseyjohnson.com)
Hostage Negotiations
-Tara, who we think must have some Stockholm syndrome from her run-in with Eric, is wearing a grey leather, moto jacket just like he’d choose. She asks Sookie to intervene on Lafayatte’s behalf with Eric.
-Sookie hints he shouldn’t be a problem.
-Lafayette looks like he just stepped off the plane from Puerto Vallarta: his hair has the beach holiday braid and bead.
-Jesus and Tara notice Lafayette’s missing and take chase like two ’80s TV detectives—we’d call their show T.T. Hooker & Jesus.
-LaLa goes to see Pam, whose daytime outfit is an Adam Lambertized Canadian Tuxedo.
-Pam’s torture of Lafayette is interrupted by T.T. Hooker & Jesus, who’ve got Ginger, our favourite shrieking, over-glamoured (we mean the vampire mind-erase trick, not the cutout purple micro dress she’s sporting), peanut butter ‘n’ butter sandwich making, Fangtasia cocktail waitress.
-Pam gives them 24 hours to deliver Marnie to her, or else: “I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you.” In that order, Pam?
Pam’s guide to torture-appropriate day wear
Last week Pam channeled Paris, and this week she’s mixing “S&M” and “glamorous,” wearing a spiked jacket similar to styles favoured by Rihanna and Fergie from Blessed & Cursed, the Killer Couture Jeans Jacket. ($998, blessedandcursedshop.de)
What to Feed a Hungry Houseguest
-Sookie returns home from work to find Eric gone. Is it just us or does she seem disappointed?
– She’s reading a Charlaine Harris book, Grave Secret (we love the shout out to her literary creator), when Claudine returns to appeal to Sookie to come back to Faerie where she’ll be safe. Sookie’s not buying it.
-In one quick gulp, Sookie’s houseguest drains Claudine to death, essentially sucking the hot right out of her, too.
-Sookie stares, shocked: “You just killed my faerie godmother.” Cue sweet innocent smile from Eric: “I’m sorry.”
Claudine’s guide to what to wear to appear approachable but fashionable
Go with the clichés in this Elie Saab fairy number. But opt for Shakespeare in the Park presents A Midsummer Night’s Dream rather than Tinker Bell (she was kind of a bitch).
And that’s it folks, until next week! Stay tuned for our recap of Episode 4 next Monday July 18! Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m on HBO Canada.
