True Blood Recap: Enough shirtless Alcide to make up for his secondary stripper role in Magic Mike (plus superhero pyjamas, studded bustiers and more!)

The most important developments last week involved a break up and a make out: Pam and Eric severed their maker bond, while a sauced Sookie played tonsil hockey with Alcide after he covered for her with the Pelts (not sure if she’ll also make out with Jessica for doing the same with Andy, though). The Authority killed that Chancellor kid for being Sanguinista. We saw how Terry and his Iraq unit murdered civilians, the major cause of his PTSD. Tara resigned herself to being a vamp and guzzled on a girl. Andy and Jason had a reso at the Fairycat Dolls where Hadley (his cousin) let spill the beans about his and Sook’s parents being murdered by vamps. This week all we want to know is what action Sooks will couch see, so let’s start at first base.

Say Anything
– Sookie does not want to talk anymore, and she and Alcide go upstairs to round some more bases. A big yes to him carrying her up the stairs while she’s wrapped around him — she climbed him like a tree, to paraphrase Megan from Bridesmaids. And how satisfying was the sound of their bare skin slapping together as she wrapped her arms around his naked torso in the bedroom? Well done, sound guys. Makes up for not enough Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike.
– Like those embarrassing stories at the front of YM magazine (“Say Anything”) from the ’90s, Sookie barfs at Alcide’s feet after he whips his belt off and declares: “I’ve waited so long for this.” Unlike one of those YM stories: Bill and Eric watch the whole thing go down.

Read on, fanger »


CSI: Bon Temps
– Jason awakens in his Masters of the Universe pajamas (sorry Pam’s sweatsuit, but this might beat you in the awesome department!) in some kind of family flashback. He sees his parents bleeding from vamp wounds and his mother offers him sex. Luckily he wakes up before that goes anywhere.
– Jason and Andy show up on the scene of Sam’s murdered wine and cheese club and compare hangover stories. Jason lets him know that those burlesque girls were faeries, which gives Andy pause, but he opts for Holly over sexy supes.
– Jason does some good CSI-ing and finds a wooden bullet in a tree (how does that work exactly?) with a silver core. Jason philosophizes about supe murderers having gotten away with supe crimes because no one knew they existed… someone is definitely thinking about mom and dad.
– Very interesting that the two shifter friends were shot from a car yards away but it hit them perfectly in one shot each. Must be a pretty amazing marksman, right? So what’s up with the random tree stray bullet?
– Sam goes to tell Luna about their murdered friends and comforts her, but she asks him to leave (in a nice way).
– Outside the house, Sam gets shot by some masked hillbillies in a truck, and when Luna runs out to see what’s going on she also gets shot. Luckily Emma turns into a wolf and runs off before they can get her, leaving Luna and Sam to bleed out on the lawn.

Stud Muffy
– Tara walks through Fangtasia in slow mo looking like a lady of the night (and we don’t mean vampire, we mean prostitute). She turns fangbanger heads and gets an appreciative stare from Pam (who is wearing the most amazing puffy-sleeved leather dress — we can’t even, it’s too amazing).
– Tara’s studded bustier is borrowed from her maker (who knew Tara had the tatas to fill out one of Pam’s tops?) and it’s her work uniform as Fangtasia’s newest bartender/Pam’s slave.
– Tara almost makes a snack of a patron before getting put on blast by Pam. There’s a no-drinking-while-on-the-clock policy, apparently.

Tara’s guide to raiding Pam’s closet
Go for anything with studs, clearly. She piles a studded leather jacket overtop of a studded purple bustier. We agree with Tara that her look is a little over-the-top and edging on drag; she’d much better suit this studded khaki denim bustier ($55, topshop.com) and much subtler studded moto jacket ($225, nastygal.com).

Dead Before Dawn
– As Sookie sobers up over some Sanka, Eric and Bill fill her in on Russell and bicker with Alcide. Sooks giggles maniacally at being in a precarious position once again, and crazily tells them it’s time to go hunt down the 3,000-year-old vampire who wants to suck her blood. The guys stare dumbly at her. We’d be acting crazy too if we were kept from having sex with Alcide.
– Sookie reads construction site Doug’s brain to find out about the night he was glamoured into setting Russell Edgington free.
-We see gross (like really, really gross) Russell getting dug up by a woman wearing the same necklace as Nora and Salome. Bill freaks on Eric — clearly this is Nora’s doing and he tipped her off.
– Sookie, Alcide and construction Doug take a drive and Alcide does not want to talk about how she literally spilled her guts to him.
– Of course they go to some creepy research hospital that looks like it’s straight out of The Twilight Zone.
– Bill and Eric argue in the back of Alcide’s truck, and Bill is highly suspicious of Nora and Eric by extension. Perky Molly (the iStake tech) calls to let them know they’re dead at dawn.

Molly’s guide to techie office wear
As the closest thing to a nerd or someone alternative that The Authority has, Molly of course has a moto jacket with gig pins and distressed jeans. You’ll have to get your own flare for your jacket, but this one from H&M ($60, hm.ca) is reasonably priced enough that you should have cash left over for tickets and some apps for your iPhone.

Authority Figures
– Salome stiffly walks through The Authority meeting room while music plays that sounds remotely of Darth Vader’s theme in Star Wars. We see a secret cavern where Roman stands before a vial of blood. The room looks like something out of James Bond and we half expect to see Roger Moore on a table about to be tortured or thrown into a shark tank.
– Apparently this is a reflecting room where Roman meditates and looks to the blood for answers. It’s not Lilith’s blood in that little vial, so we’re going to assume it’s the leftovers from the ones that Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie used to wear when they were hitched.
– Salome urges him to control the message because the Sanguinistas are gaining ground.
– Roman gives a speech to The Authority’s model UN about atoning for past crimes against humans and being merciful and living as equals. Everyone bows down to the blood, which seems like a good way to end a meeting — like The Authority’s version of Tebowing.

The Authority’s guide to signature jewellery
Not sure if the guys got cuff links, but the Egyptian-looking (is it a scarab? I don’t know, my knowledge of ancient Egypt all comes from The Mummy franchise) necklaces Nora and Salome wear are apparently an Authority lady signature. Want a pendant of your own that says “secret society” and “goth” but goes with everything? This Merle O’Grady piece ($180, urbanoutfitters.com) looks vaguely ancient but versatile.

Bad Dreams
– Lafayette is talking to himself about needing to shake his bad boy persona, and upon looking at the brujo in the mirror (sing that like the Michael Jackson song) he burns some sage and trips out on his religious icons.
– He prays to Jesus for help and is awoken from a nap to find Jesus’ severed head on his coffee table staring at him and trying to talk through sewn-shut lips. A similar head does a similar thing on Lafayette’s mother’s bedside table, but maybe she was a dentist, because she was able to understand the mumbling.
– At the War Vet Basement Compound, Terry and Patrick are tied up by a psycho Brian Ellar. Terry is actually really calm for someone who freaks out during every shift at Merlotte’s.
– Ellar tells them a story about an evil fire that’s got a mind of its own and that’s coming for them all. This gets Terry’s PTSD to flare up and remind him of a curse one of the Iraqi ladies they killed put on them.
– Terry convinces Ellar they all have to go as the fire spirit has been waiting to get them all together.
– Patrick thinks this is all a ruse by Terry and knocks Ellar out. A freaked Terry bails on the bomb shelter to smoke a cigarette, which doesn’t seem so smart considering fire isn’t his friend.
– Patrick tries to talk some sense into Terry that Ellar is nuts, and then we see the smoke descend and eat that crazy dude up despite his sprinklers and flame retardant walls.

Bathroom Break
– Jessica enters Fangtasia looking like she just watched that Mark Wahlberg movie Rock Star on Netflix.
– She and Tara chat over some cocktails and Jessica assures her it gets better and offers to be her vamp bestie or Big Vampire Sister. The good news, according to Jess: “We’re going to live forever, we’re going to be young forever, it’s like the world is wide open to us.”
– Tara takes a smoke break (it doesn’t kill you when you’re undead) and sees Hoyt dressed as a New Waver in frayed purple vest and loose red tie over a muscle tee. “It’s the look,” declares Hoyt who offers her his neck.
– She acts like she’s not interested, but cut to her drinking him up in a bathroom stall as Jessica feeds on a blonde in the next chamber.
– Jessica hears Hoyt cry out and breaks in, and there goes that bestie relationship between the two girls. (Doesn’t Tara know never to feed on a friend’s ex? Hasn’t Cosmo of this alt reality done a story on that?)

Jessica’s guide to picking up at Fangtasia
At first I thought Jessica was wearing a Slash T-shirt, which got me really excited, but then realized it was T. Rex, which seems obscure. Maybe their song “Children of the Revolution” is some kind of baby vamp rally song? If it had been a Slash T-shirt I would’ve directed you to Etsy, but I am not so amped on T. Rex, and her jeans are way more on trend anyway. Leopard print denim, like these from J. Brand ($135, net-a-porter.com), atone for the questionable choice in rock tee.

Sookie Dooby Doo
– This deserted asylum place is freaky and the guys want to leave Sook outside, but after she explains to them the trope of all horror films and going searching within deserted anything, she also points out how her microwave fingers are about the only hope they have. (Bill’s face as she delivers this is like a Level 10 Blue Steel; I’m pretty sure that Ben Stiller is drawing up a copyright infringement claim as you read this.)
– Sookie and the mystery gang explore, and Alcide sniffs some wolves. They follow Doug’s memories and Eric shows he’s loyal to the south by disparaging New York City.
– A scared Doug bails and finds the people meat locker where live humans await feeding time.
– Sookie and the boys find Edgington, who’s convalescing in a hospital cot. Eric tells him it’s the end and Russell says to give it his best shot, but before there’s any action there’s a snarl from behind and Alcide goes down—but did he shift or was he attacked?

Sookie’s guide to boot ‘n’ rally fashion
If you’re going hunting for a vamp, as Sookie can attest, you’re going to need a bloodstain-proof jacket. A classic waxed Barbour jacket ($350, asos.com) is country (like our Sook) and built to last (also like our Sook).

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.