True Blood Recap: A surprisingly drama-less episode features more bloodsucking in the name of Lilith and shirtless Alcide (so, win?)

True Blood Season 5 Episode 11
True Blood Season 5 Episode 11

It feels like many of the plots that so dominated at the start of the season have been tied up and forgotten like last week’s shrimp gumbo at Merlotte’s. The Ifrit, Jesus’ sewed-shut lips and crazy gramps, Andy Bellefleur’s butt cheeks and Alcide’s pack troubles, were they all just so many fried pickles — tasty, but ultimately not so filling? Last week, Sam and Luna went on a mouse hunt for Emma, The Authority went anarchy in the U.S.A., and Sookie and Jason’s hunt for the vampire that killed their parents led to a discovery of sorts: Sookie was sold into vampire slavery by her kin. Besides the incredibly sad Hoyt-Jason-Jessica triangle coming to an end with the former’s Alaskan plans and memory force-quit, there was the big break up of Russell Edgington leaving The Authority due to boredom and a craving for fae blood. The show’s most ostentatious bloodsucker got into some pre-season finale trouble tonight, but first those other people who live in Bon Temps have some fried pickles for us…

Of Mice and Men
-Luna and Sam are still mouse-ing around in The Authority looking for Emma. They find her locked up with the human food. Some guards intercept, and Sam gets sent off to be Bill’s next meal, leaving Luna to figure out how to save her and Emma.
-Andy makes good with Holly’s sons and promises to be the best boyfriend ever to their mama. Which is pretty much an invitation for this show to mess with him, and it does in the form of preggers Maurella paying him a visit and calling in the light pact promise he (unknowingly) made to protect her. She’s pissed he’s already being a deadbeat dad.
-Alcide is helping (sans shirt!) his pops with a silver fence to keep out idiot vamps, his dad thanks him with some microwave chili and by cross-bowing a vamp that was about to kill his son.

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True Blood Season 5 Episode 11

Chosen Few
-Which Bunny at the Playboy Halloween party is going with Lilith’s bloody body paint for her costume this October we wonder? Lilith wants Bill to drink her blood and be her number one but he has doubts. (Low self esteem, Compton?)
-Godric actually got through to Nora, who fakes Lilith fidelity to Salome and then has passionate, atheist-again sex with Eric.
-Jessica wants to warn Jason about Russell and Steve’s rogue status, but Bill says she needs to forget Bon Temps and humans. He calls her on her fake out of wanting to make Jason a vamp, and sends her and a few guards to make it happen.
-Jason picks up on Jessica’s fake out drain out and kills Bill’s guards.
-The head of defense for the U.S. government tells The Authority that they’ve got weapons of mass-vamp destruction so they better get back on the mainstreaming program. Eric breaks his neck to shut him up, which Bill and Salome aren’t happy about.
-Eric and Nora offer to take care of the situation by glamouring everyone involved, but Bill’s skeptical slit eyes narrow on them and he sends guards to babysit. Eric and Nora kill the guards, and look deep into each other’s eyes and fly off together, like two crazy vamp siblings in love.
-Pam is freaking out about Tara killing Elijah and The Authority’s reaction. Her crazy French-twist-sideways-ponytail is like a hair manifestation of her bad mood.
-Jessica fills Pam and Tara in on what’s going on with Eric and Bill, and Pam tells them about how drinking that Lilith blood is giving those guys Nest Crazies. Trust Pam to see right away what’s really happening over at Authority HQ.
-Rosalyn (the Texan Chancellor who’s always in power suits and pearls) is looking for her dead progeny Elijah, and Pam cops to killing him to save Tara who reeks of his blood.
-Pam promptly gets put in cuffs and taken to The Authority along with Jessica.
-Lilith once again tells Bill she’s chosen him as the leader and to drink all her blood up, but he’s not the only one she’s told! He kills Kibwe who also thinks he’s been chosen.
-As Bill yells at Jessica for disobeying him, Lilith tells Salome she’s the one, too. This Lilith, you can’t trust her!

Tara’s guide to a major jacket hat trick
From last week’s drum major jacket and blue metallic moto, to this week’s dip-dyed leather, Tara’s jacket wardrobe is making us très jeals. We’re going to pick up this ombré leather jacket from Acne ($1,245, net-a-porter.com) and try and keep up.

True Blood Season 5 Episode 11

Coco Forever
-Sookie has decided to stay in the fae safe house, and they dress her up like a sexy pink cupcake, picture Strawberry Shortcake as a demure stripper.
-If you’re wondering whatever happened to Coco Hernandez of Fame , she’s putting her Debbie Allen moves to good use as the Elder Fae. Which makes sense because we’re pretty sure Fame’s Leroy is Lafayette’s long-lost cousin. Between talking about her bad taste in music, she informs Sookie that John Stackhouse was a creep and that a dark time is coming and Sookie needs to hold onto her light (which we’re guessing is like the fairy equivalent of abstinence).
-Jason freaks out Elder Fae when she shows up to warn them all that Russell is alive and on the loose.
-Sookie wants to fight Russell because she’s tired of running, Maurella disagrees, but Elder Fae says they must fight with Sookie.
-Russell glamours Jason into taking him and Steve to the fae porthole and they go orgasmic with the smell. The Elder comes out to fight them but interpretive dance and electricity balls fail, and she gets drank by Russell. (It’s like this show cast her so we’d make a bad joke based on the Fame theme song: Fae! She’s not going to live forever! She never gave us her name! Fae!)
-Ecstatic with her blood Russell can now see all the faeries in the porthole and is excited for the next course!

The Elder Fae’s guide to interpretive dance accessories
Well obviously your floaty maxi dress is going to be metallic, and you’re going to wear spangly things on your feet and really lay on the jewellery: some matching cuffs, a beaded bib necklace. We think she’d love Dannijo’s Medine necklace ($490, dannijo.com) because it’s her style and the name sounds like one of her fae kin.

Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.