Sh*t Karl says: We make some suggestions for what the Kaiser’s commentary will be like during The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee

Left: Photography by Pool/Getty Images. Right: Photography by Peter Stigter

In what may be the best fashion play-by-play of all time, Karl Lagerfeld is set to live commentate Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee on June 3 for French television. We’re having flashbacks to last year’s Royal Wedding where the Kaiser let his (totally correct) opinions on some less-than-royal wears be known (think “ugly hats,” “bad proportions” and the like), while pointedly refusing to even discuss the Queen’s sensible buttercream suit. With no Alexander McQueen confections to distract, we bet this year’s commentary will be entertaining, to say the least. As a proudly French citizen with no allegiance to the Queen, we bet the Kaiser’s sharpening his biker-gloved talons as we speak.

And while it’d be quite a feat to guestimate what pearls might come out of the Karl’s mouth, we’re going to try anyways:

Karl on crowns: “I find crowns to be very tacky.”

Karl on the Queen’s attire: “Why does she always wear the same colour head-to-toe?”

Karl on Kate Middleton’s sensible heels: “I despise this word ‘sensible.’ Shoes are meant to cause pain.”

Karl on the Royal Guards: “Their hats are very chic. Like furry beehives.”

Karl on the bedazzled float that will be on display on the Thames: “This idea was inspired by my last runway show’s set design.”

Karl on whether Pippa will be carrying a gun: “A gun is a very modern, chic and essential accessory.”