Girls Recap: Virginity! Cheating! STDs! A gay ex boyfriend! We discuss the sex problems brought on by episode 3

How are you feeling about the girls of Girls right now? Do you like them, or are you siding with critics who can’t keep from pointing out the show’s flaws? Have you resigned yourself to not liking the characters and just getting through this whole thing with them in a vote of female solidarity? (“If we don’t watch, the Two and a Half Mens of this world win!”) Or, maybe like me, you like them simply because they’re not trying too hard to be liked (unlike Marnie around a hot artist)?

Last week, we saw how our foursome each reacted to an abortion in their midst, experienced two distinctly awful rounds of sex, discovered there was a virgin in the pack, and saw how easily an unwanted pregnancy could disappear. This week there was no sex but lots of body image talk. From Adam playing with Hannah’s belly fat to Shoshanna telling Jessa it wasn’t a good thing that she could see her belly—it wasn’t exactly Our Bodies, Ourselves but there was masturbation and STDs. The narcissistic tunnel these ladies have us trapped in was given a light by the introduction of a few outside characters: Marnie’s tit-tape-dependant gallery director, Hannah’s now-gay ex and the NYC-version of a nuclear family Jessa is babysitting for. (Aside: was the name of the neighbour in the kid’s novel called Shamaia Grimes, like the kid did not know how to spell Shenae Grimes’s name properly? Yes/No/Maybe?)

While we loved seeing the girls run like pack animals in the last episode, it was interesting to see how they operate away from one another this ep. Marnie seems like the grown-up of her group, but in the so-called art world she’s low on the social order and just as capable of being intimidated by a guy she wants to like her. But let’s get back to the body talk.

Let’s talk about sexy ba-by »

Girls Problem: Hannah does not get what dressing sexy or even “scarily hot slash amazing” is about.

Hannah, no matter what you read from an airport book kiosk self-help shelf, it’s not about wearing the shortest thing you own, or fishnets or pounding on the smokey eye. She’s clearly a rookie at sex-then-sleepover makeup, because otherwise she’d know that you cannot wear that much eye stuff without looking like a zombie the next morning.

Ten years from now: Hannah will have nicer underwear, and someone nicer to wear them for. Also, she’ll have figured out that putting on his T-shirt after sex rather than a cropped hoodie will hide any areas she doesn’t feel like having available for prodding, because trust us, in ten years she’ll have more areas she’d like to hide than she does now. (We’re not saying she’s going to gain weight, we’re just saying gravity is often unkind when you hit your 30s.)

Girls Problem: Hannah has an STD, and knows nothing about STDs.

When Hannah learns she has HPV, there are 10 seconds where we think Adam is actually capable of sweetness. But the spell is broken when Hannah lashes out at him. It seems natural she’d assume he gave it to her, but when we apply our Psych 101 training (really just a book we read in an airport) we wonder if there’s a reason she chose to spazz rather than accept comfort? We’ll have to wait for our next session to explore that further. But let’s analyze Hannah’s reaction to getting HPV in the meantime. Of course she calls her best friend first, but don’t Marnie’s tears seem almost fake? How can the same girl that glared at her boyfriend for shaving his head to show solidarity with a cancer-suffering co-worker cry because her friend has a non-life-threatening STD? Hmm. Unfortunately, she’s just as clueless as Hannah about HPV, thinking Hannah will be condemned to childlessness. Oddly enough, the person who does school Hannah on HPV is resident virgin Shoshanna—those who can’t do, teach! Last bone of contention: for someone who is quick to Google about the stuff that gets up around the side of condoms, why wouldn’t Hannah go on a Google binge for HPV?

Ten years from now: Our girl will hopefully keep up with the policy of wrap it before you tap it.

Girls Problem: Shoshanna is a virgin.

While we really have to disagree that being a virgin is worthy of “biggest baggage” allowance, we do wonder what has caused her to avoid any threats to her hymen. Didn’t Shoshanna go to sleepover camp? That’s where all my Jewish friends lost their virginity.

Ten years from now: Shoshanna will be married to the guy she first has sex with (or second, or third, but definitely somewhere within one hand’s worth of fingers).

Girls Problem: Marnie cares enough about her boyfriend to not cheat on him, but not enough to break up with him.

My serious boyfriend when I was 24 had the most beautiful hair and when he shaved it off, it took me about a week to want to make out with him again. But it wasn’t for chemo-cheerleading, it was because David Beckham shaved his head. So Marnie, I get the initial feelings of betrayal, but I feel like you’re doing it as an excuse to not have to have him uncle-touch you in the Thanksgiving that is your bedroom. Later, when Marnie so readily runs off with the first artist (did we hear right? Is his name Booth Jonathan?) who shows the least bit of disinterest we wonder why she isn’t single simply so she can flirt and masturbate anytime she wants without any guilt? What’s the point of working in a gallery if you can’t make eyes at artists? Also, who knew the guy who’s better known for singing “Jizz In My Pants” was capable of driving a girl to do the same (except technically they were tights)?

Ten years from now: Marnie is beautiful, so we’re sure she’ll get plenty of propositions. Hopefully she’ll be single long enough to indulge in a few so when she’s happily married she can think back to her trysts and feel she lived dangerously. Especially when said husband clips his toenails in bed.

Girls Problem: Jessa has no clue about what is appropriate babysitting wear or behaviour.

Oh Jessa, we wish you were famous just so we could hear what the Fug Girls would say about your choice of attire. Is Jessa taking the kids to Fire Island? Or is she babysitting in an ashram? We know there’s a saying about dressing for the job you want, not the job you have, but we can’t possible imagine what job that dress would suit? It appears to be something one would wear to be baptized by a cult? And it feels very “trying hard to be different.” On the clock she seems to be the most uncomfortable babysitter we’ve seen, and we’re wondering what about this job appeals to her? She barely looks the mom or the kids in the eye. While we commend her for listening to the kid’s novel, she loses those points for kicking the other kid in the head and smoking pot/flirting/snacking with the dad. We want to send her a word alert that says: “do not hit THAT.”

Ten years from now: It just doesn’t seem like it’s in Jessa’s DNA to care what others think about her, so we’re sure she’ll find new ways to dress inappropriately for functions. Wearing white to a friend’s wedding? Probably. A tutu to her daughter’s ballet recital? Likely. A bathing suit to a friend’s funeral? Not if the suit is black!

Girls Problem: Hannah has a disappointing ex-boyfriend.

“You were never fat, you were soft and round like a dumpling.” Ick. Elijah is the worst kind of ex, the one that doesn’t pine for you. In the span of five minutes he poops on the title of Hannah’s book of essays, quotes Maya Angelou, calls Hannah handsome and accusatory and insinuates her father is gay. He’s a walking ball of judgment. We know from last week that Hannah has a fantasy about using an STD to make someone feel bad for wronging her. When she throws her diagnosis in Elijah’s face he pulls the rug out from under her by showing that, not only does he not pine for her (or any women), she clearly has downgraded since him by dating a liar. And to add injury to insults, he drinks her wine, which we all know she doesn’t have the budget to be buying. The worst!

Ten years from now: Hannah will have written an essay about this very scene. It will be titled: “That scarf isn’t helping.”

Girls airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. on HBO Canada. Tune in for our recap next week, but in the meantime we’ll save you the trouble: @HannahHorvath is not a live Twitter feed.